Bed-time stories for Bihar and Nitish Kumar: Trust the PM, just the PM

While Bihar is gearing up for elections this month, Shah and Modi have been listening to bed-time stories. I don’t know who has been tenderly tucking them into bed and reading aloud to them, but I suspect it’s one of their English-speaking Bengali members, the same chaps who ghost-write Indian Express articles for senior BJP members. It really is sad that most of the people they ghost-write for can barely understand a word of what appears under their bylines.

Rudyard Kipling’s ‘Jungle Book’ seems to be their all-time favourite, and clearly Shah and Modi love the venomous snake Kaa best. They have been gazing hypnotically into the Bihar chief minister’s eyes and seductively hissing that if their alliance wins the elections, he will be chief minister again, no ifs and buts about it, blah blah.

“Trusssssssssst in me

Jusssssssssst in me

Sssssssssshut your eyes

And trusssssssssst in me.”

The CM is mesmerised—he loves his cosy chair far too much to think clearly. If he did exercise his brain, he’d remember that ModiShah lied about putting 15 lakhs into our bank accounts, bragged that demonetisation would end black money and terrorist activities, fibbed in Parliament that they hadn’t put former J&K chief minister Farooq Abdullah under house arrest, brazenly lied that China had not entered Indian territory after 20 soldiers had been killed, and other rubbish every day since 2014.

Is the Bihar CM also oblivious to the fact that failed Bollywood actor Chirag Paswan of the LJP is planning a game of musical chairs with the BJP to unseat him? Or is he secretly sending “All is forgiven, come home to the JD(U)” telegrams, emails, text messages, WhatsApp messages and DMs on Facebook and Twitter to Prashant Kishor (the mercenary political strategist Kumar had kicked out after disagreements over the CAA). If he succeeds, rest assured the CM will announce that his infamous “antaratma” kicked in and ordered him to get Kishor back.

If he does not succeed, well then, surely the CM has learnt enough of Kishor’s tactics to win more seats than the BJP? He just has to do the following:

1. Hire an army of psychopaths to praise and defend him. I hear that 80,000 vicious trolls who attacked the Maharashtra government, Mumbai police and certain Bollywood actors are out of job after AIIMS and the CBI agreed that actor Sushant Singh Rajput was not murdered. Perhaps the CM could get them on board if he promises to give them immunity from the Mumbai police?

2. Pay some hack to create Bal Nitish comics. If he wants to be seen on par with Modi, he can be shown wrestling some dangerous reptile or the other. If he wants to be shown as better than Modi, he can feed cats and dogs besides peacocks and ducks.

3. Get an ad agency to create catchy jingles glorifying him.

4. Hire a special effects team to do some magic —better still, a Hollywood agency.

5. Equally important: he must take back the ticket he shamelessly gave to Manju Verma—a former JD(U) minister who had to resign after her husband’s name came up in the Muzaffarpur shelter home abuse case involving 34 minor girls. What on earth was he thinking? We will know soon enough if BJP succeeds in replacing Nitish Kumar or not. The party, however, must look within. There’s another person they desperately need to replace, and that is Piyush Bo Peep Goyal. The Union Railways Minister was the subject of much ridicule during the BJP-created migrant crisis as trains frequently lost their way.

It has happened again. BJP leaders planned a mega protest against the “worsening law and order situation” in a state. However, instead of arriving in Uttar Pradesh (even children know it’s the worst Indian state ever, particularly after the horrific, inhuman way the UP administration handled the Hathras case), they landed up in Kolkata, tsk. I’m dead sure muddle-headed Goyal was in charge of the transport! To save Goyal from further public embarrassment, the BJP pretended that West Bengal is the most lawless state in India, and carried out their protest there, setting things on fire in their usual charming and peaceful manner. It’s just too bad that the West Bengal secretariat was shut for sanitisation on the day of their protest. Heh.

(Any resemblance to people and events in real life is a coincidence)