Reality Bites: The naughtiest boy as Monitor and the bankrupt brother

Just when I think things can’t possibly get worse, RSS-BJP, the government, media, the courts, the IPS, Bollywood, and even public intellectuals prove me wrong. Indians are living in Hell now, and it’s not very different from the Biblical description: a place where punishment is ceaseless, and bodies and souls are destroyed in unquenchable fires, the air is a tad more polluted than Delhi during Diwali, and other frightening things. Interestingly, Hell in the Bible is not as bad as Adityanath’s Uttar Pradesh; a dreadful place where grieving parents of rape victims are locked in their homes while their children are forcibly cremated by the police.

The Indian media however crows that Adityanath is the bestest chief minister ever and author Chetan Bhagat once said this about him: “#YogiAdityanath as UP CM. Because when you make the naughtiest guy in class the class monitor, he behaves the best.” I wouldn’t go to Bhagat for advice on how to deal with a pus-filled boil, if I were you.

India, always an enigma, now baffles people even more. It’s okay to illegally demolish a mosque, but if you dare demolish an illegal structure that belongs to a BJP supporter, you could be toast. If you talk about the shocking rapes in UP, BJP supporters accuse you, and not the rapists or the Government, of defaming the country. I could go on and on, but I need a break or else I could slip into clinical depression—something BJP supporters insist is baloney. Thank god for Modi-crony Anil Ambani—he’s become the nation’s latest stress buster. We’ve been falling about laughing over his latest court case. A brief history: he owes three state-controlled Chinese banks over $700 million, but still hasn’t paid them. The case is being heard in an English court—a wise move by the Chinese banks, going by the current reputation of Indian courts. Also, Ambani’s virtuous statements that he doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble, swear, kick dogs, eat non-vegetarian food, send WhatsApp messages about “maal”, go to bed without brushing his teeth, do not seem to be cutting much ice in the London court. The British are not as silly as Indians are about “bad habits.” As for his assets, Ambani has insisted that he has none. And the more he spoke about his poverty, the more I wished I could be as poor as he was. He said his wife owns the family art collection, not poor old him. The luxury motor yacht is owned by one of his companies, not him, tut. Why, he even said that while his family uses the yacht, he never ever has because he gets sea sick—perhaps he hoped “sea-sickness” was another virtue? Also, he denied splurging on luxury items, and blamed his spendthrift mummy for pinching his credit cards.

I’m surprised that he didn’t say that all his designer clothes were hand-me-downs from his big brother Mukesh who is the richest man in Asia today. According to the Economic Times, Mukesh Ambani has been earning 90 Cr every hour since the Covid lockdown, and it would be interesting to see if he steps in to help his little brother if push came to shove.

I wonder if those foreign companies that are investing heavily in Mukesh Ambani’s ventures are following his brother’s court case—it may well prepare them for the future. But what bothers me the most is this: Why did Narender Modi kick perfectly respectable and capable HAL out of the Rafale agreement and get a loser like Anil Ambani in?

We are aware that the BJP deploys weapons of “mass distraction” to keep our minds away from the shabby economy, brutal rapes, China’s aggression, protests by farmers, rising Covid numbers, etc.

I have a fervent request for them: instead of boring us with fake cases against Bollywood celebs, can they please give us prime time shows on Anil Ambani instead?

The nation wants to know if and when he will park himself on the footpath outside Antilla (his big brother’s house) with a Baccarat begging bowl.