Reality Bites: Why I laughed like a happy hyena

The older despots get, the more reckless their actions are. Ignoring pleas and threats from world leaders, Putin invaded Ukraine on the 24th of February. To my mind, the sanctions imposed on Russia by the US, the UK, the EU, and a few other countries do not seem strong enough, but only time will tell.

They seem to forget that Putin has good friends in the neighbourhood like China, and in other parts of the world as well, who will cushion him from the blows.

Hats off to President Zelensky and the Ukrainians, though. They are behaving like the Gauls and are fighting back spiritedly even though they are pitted against a mighty army that no country wants to take on.

I hope they have many brainy Asterixes to outsmart Russia, many Obelixes who will drop menhirs on the heads of enemy troops, and many Getafixes who will give them magic potions for strength—because, I reiterate, sympathetic world leaders and the toothless UN are just not doing enough to help.

President Zelensky, in particular, is an inspiration. So what if he doesn’t share PR photographs of himself bare-chested on horseback like that megalomaniac Putin did—he’s far stronger because he has moral courage. There he is talking to his people on TV every now and then, reassuring them, updating them, and inspiring them to fight back while bombs and sirens can be heard in the background.

He’s so unlike the PM of India too, who brags that he has a 56-inch chest, but trembles when China invades our land and lies to the nation that “No one entered our territory”. He was far too frightened to even whisper the word China in June 2020 in case Xi heard and spanked him with a hairbrush.

Which is why I laughed like a happily inebriated hyena when I heard Ukraine’s envoy Igor Polikha urge “Modi-ji” to appeal to Putin to stop the war. As everyone in the world knows, Modi-ji only responds to flattery, and Mr Polikha laid it on really thick: Think 200 grams of full fat butter on a single slice of bread. He said sugary nonsense like Modi-ji "is one of the most powerful, respected world leaders...I don't know how many world leaders Putin may listen to. But the stature of Modi-ji makes me hopeful that in case of his strong voice, Putin at least should think over".

I’m not kidding, he actually said this about a man who practically crawled under his bed when China invaded India!

Mr Polikha also said that he was “deeply dissatisfied” with India’s comments on the situation so far, meaningless lip service about closely following the situation: “What does this mean—closely following? Now, 50 people have been killed. When hundreds and thousands will be killed in this case, what will happen? Will follow more closely?"

Surprisingly, our terminally rude External Affairs Minister S. Jaishankar did not shout at Mr Polikha for sneering at India’s wimpish stand.

I’m sure he wanted to bite his head off with his sharp rodent-like teeth, but Modi-ji hastily stopped him because of all the lovely things Mr. Polikha said about him being powerful and all.

The Godi media had already fibbed to the nation that “Vishwa Guru” Modi-Ji was advising both Putin and Biden before the war, and it was now ordered to tom-tom Mr. Polikha’s blatant flattery.

Modi-ji the Great even tore himself away from campaigning for elections and held a meeting with his ministers and NSA (Agent Jeero Jeero Jeero)—he loves acting, see? Then he grandly announced that he would talk to Putin.

Unfortunately, Mr. Polikha must be deeply devastated instead of dissatisfied after the phone call. Modi-ji the Not-So-Great did not reprimand Putin, he meekly listened to his ridiculous reasons for attacking a sovereign state instead, and humbly thanked him for the “clarifications”.

I am deeply dissatisfied by India’s mealy-mouthed response to this invasion too. And I’m worried—very worried! If the world lets Putin get away with it, Xi will be encouraged. There’s a chance that every state in India will become like Arunachal Pradesh and have sweet little Chinese villages as well.

Meanwhile, I pray for the safety of Ukrainians and their genuinely strong leader Volodymyr Zelensky. With you, Ukraine!

(Any resemblance to real people or events is a coincidence)