Reality Bites: We badly need a new planet

Like the rest of the world I sniggered at the Branson-Bezos Billionaire Space Contest. I didn’t have a horse in the race, but I did enjoy the spectacle with buttery popcorn. My enthusiasm dimmed considerably when I learnt that they only went to the edge of space, not real space where you float in a dreamy way, but hey, at least they got that far and had a better view than I have.

I’m on the 7th floor, and all I can see are my neighbours’ undies hanging on a clothesline. They’re rather shabby of late, and once they are in tatters, I can and will officially announce that India’s economy is in the same shape. I can assure you that my analysis is based on firmer ground than any rubbish the Prime Megalomaniac and Ms Washing Powder Nirmala throw at us.

Many sanctimonious articles have been written on how the Billionaire Space Race was a completely pointless exercise, and that the money could have been better spent on saving our planet. I disagree. Primarily because we have destroyed it so thoroughly, there is nothing worth saving. You can, I suppose, work to fix the environment, but I am cynical enough to say you won’t get far, what with the nexus between greedy politicians and businessmen.

See, one fine day, my sister suddenly stopped eating chips and chocolate spread. My family was shocked (that’s our regular diet), and she blushed and mumbled something about palm oil and orangutans.

We pressed her further and she defiantly said that although she refuses to wear “Have you hugged an orangutan today” tees, she resents the fact that endangered species are being forced out of their natural habitats. We got a passionate lecture on the United Nations Environment Programme, and its declaration that palm oil is the main driver of deforestation in Malaysia and Indonesia.

According to Say No to Palm Oil, “An area the size of 300 football fields is cleared each hour for a new palm oil plantation.” That’s a lot of homeless orangutans! After the lecture, my sister shouted, “Don’t look at me like that! I’m not the #@*)’! BJP, I’m not stopping other people from eating chips and chocolate spread, I just want to do my bit, okay?” Well, she made us think, at any rate.

So my heart sank to my toes when the Prime Megalomanic grandly announced that he’s kicked off a plan to boost palm oil production in India with a special focus on the Northeast and the Andaman and Nicobar Islands.

Earlier I had to fight for space in my own house with aggressive pigeons, now I will have endangered species to deal with as well. And of course, wildfires, floods etc. Which brings me back to the nexus between politicians and businessmen: An alert journalist tweeted that Adani Wilmar is India’s largest importer of palm oil, heh. Now tell me, do you really think the environment can be saved at all? The only way to do it is to beg seriously rich people like Branson and Bezos to regularly pay businessmen the money they would have earned by destroying forests—for not destroying them at all!

Besides, even if we can fix the environment, how can we fix all the nasty people on earth? Take India, for example: The majority here think that people are like Cadbury’s Gems and they only want the orange ones—the rest are crushed underfoot.

The Taliban is back with guns and, even more frightening, PR machinery! People are also weeping in Myanmar, Belarus, Hongkong, Palestine, Lebanon, heck, almost everywhere on earth with dictators, terrorists, bigots, and mad men in charge! The refugee crisis never seems to end. And where do you go if the people who run/ruin your nation don’t love you? Other countries don’t want to let you in. Why, even Turkey’s Erdogan recently thundered that his nation is not Europe’s refugee warehouse.

We need a new planet, that’s what. And now that Branson and Bezos have shown us that even non-scientist types can venture into space, can we normalise space travel and push this further please? The unloved (minorities, secularists, rationalists, scientists, dissenters, human rights activists etc) need homes in a planet that is untouched by divisiveness. Kindly note: We are willing to take orangutans with us too!