Reality Bites: Sleepless in Delhi

A few days ago, a BJP chap informed party workers that the Diyar Leader sleeps for only two hours a day. This was a valuable piece of information, something ordinary citizens would be denied even if they filed an RTI application in triplicate. Anything to do with the Diyar Leader (like his pet funds) are top secret, and would have a bearing on national security, the infant mortality rate, etc.

Now, if I had been one of the workers, I would have asked a few questions. Not silly ones like does the Diyar Leader snore, of course. I’m only interested in serious things that have national ramifications.

My first question would be what a majority of Indians often ask each other in a puzzled manner: How does he sleep at night? The Diyar Leader has not been a nice human being, and we wonder if he tosses and turns, if the ghosts of his past haunt him when he turns out the lights, etc. Even two hours of sleep is rather a lot for a man who has a history Hitler would approve of.

My second question is: Was that reckless demonetisation policy the result of chronic insomnia? Shouldn’t the Diyar Leader’s Chief Economic Advisor (Subramanian the First) have tucked him into bed when he told him about his disruptive idea, and sung a lullaby like ‘My Bonnie lies over the ocean’? Or just given him calmpose or something, for heaven’s sake?

My third question is based on pure curiosity: Does the Diyar Leader himself decide which two hours he must sleep, or do his astrologers decide for him every night? So sometimes it could be between 7 to 9 pm, sometimes 11.11 pm to 1.11 am, you know? And on full moon nights, is he instructed to stay wide awake and howl at the moon, or does he do it instinctively? This, by the way, does have chilling national ramifications.

Like it or not, the Diyar Leader’s sleep patterns do affect us, so we should start taking them seriously. This man appears to have the last word on everything in the country, including who can be admitted to hospitals!

Take the peculiar case of RJD Supremo Lalu Prasad Yadav: His health deteriorated on Tuesday, and the Rajendra Institute of Medical Sciences in Ranchi decided to send him to AIIMS Delhi for better treatment. After arriving in an air ambulance, Yadav was under observation in the emergency ward on Tuesday night and discharged at 4 am on Wednesday.

Gosh. I have never heard of anyone being discharged at 4 am unless they passed away. Have you? An RJD MLA and spokesperson said, "It is a well-planned conspiracy against our leader Lalu Prasad Yadav for discharging him from the emergency ward and refusing to admit him in the hospital for further treatment."

I don’t know if he’s right, but going by the Diyar Leader’s fondness for vengeance politics anything is possible. He doesn’t stop at cute Tom and Jerry games, for sure. Lalu Prasad Yadav has been the enemy since 1990 when he stopped the Diyar Leader’s mentor, LK Advani, from carrying out that Rath Yatra communal circus in Bihar.

Yadav had asked Advani to stay away politely at first, but Advani, never a gentleman (no matter what some people on Twitter say on his birthday), gave Yadav some cheap Bollywood dialogue: No one who has drunk mother’s milk could stop him. Yadav got him arrested, and bragged that he had drunk both mother’s milk and buffalo milk, so there!

Let me point out that Yadav was never vindictive like the Diyar Leader. He sent Advani to a lovely guest house after his “arrest”, and later called him and said, “I have got you arrested. But the guest house is set amid sylvan surroundings, with green trees and hills all around. You will enjoy walking around the guest house. Take care of your health and call me if you need anything.”

Why can’t the Diyar Leader learn from politicians like that, sigh. Sure we can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but can we at least retire the dog and get another instead? I read somewhere that the older you get, the less you sleep, and the more havoc you create. I say it’s about time the Diyar Leader joined his mentor in the BJP retirement home.

(Any resemblance to real people or events is a coincidence)