Reality Bites: Monetising Nimmo aunty’s ‘sour lemon' GIFs

Yesterday I squeezed a lime till it was bone dry, determined to get every paisa out of the 15 rupees I had splurged on it. I urge you to be alert, and not give Finance Minister Nirmala Sitharaman a free pass this time: If she brusquely says she doesn’t know how much limes cost because she doesn’t eat them (like she once said about onions), she is definitely lying. Her expressions are a dead giveaway!

I googled ‘Sour Lemon Faces’ and discovered a treasure trove of expressions all of which have graced Sitharaman’s face: Puckered lips, a wrinkled nose, and twitchy, scrunched up eyes. A sure sign that she has been eating truckloads of limes—hey, perhaps that’s why the prices have shot up?

Since Sitharaman is determined to “monetise” every bit of India she can get her hands on, I think we should pitch in and monetise her standard sour lime expressions too. It is an asset, as far as I’m concerned. We can patent and sell her expressive photographs to companies that deal with stock photos and GIFs.

They will be an international hit, attract foreign investment, and we can contribute that money to MNREGA—yep, that thoughtful scheme launched by the UPA, trashed by the Diyar Leader, and (Insert ‘Nimmo Sour Lime Face’ GIF here) brutally slashed (by 34 percent!) by Sitharaman in her latest budget.

Though I say so myself, selling this GIF is far more sensible than the Diyar Leader’s idea of selling pakodas on street corners to earn money—besides who can afford vats of cooking oil these days? Of course, I will earn the most out of this because it is my idea, but rest assured, I will not use my profits to behave like a python and gobble up small and medium enterprises, or fund political parties that have evil communal agendas. Promise. I have no desire to become an oily oligarch either.

Anyway, to prove that my idea works, here are a few international and national news items that would definitely merit the ‘Nimmo Sour Lime Face’ gif:

Despite the current Rwandan government’s dubious human rights records and, even more bizarre, despite the fact that Rwanda is mainly remembered for its chilling 1994 genocide, UK PM Boris Johnson thinks it would be a fabulous idea to give asylum seekers who cross the Channel one-way tickets to Rwanda.

Even worse, Johnson thinks he’s behaving like Mother Teresa, and insists that the £120 million scheme would "save countless lives" from human trafficking. All heart, isn’t he? Nimmo gif warranted!

Then you have US President Joe Biden defining Russia’s war crimes in Ukraine as genocide, and in the same breath, talking about “shared values” with India although calls for the genocide of Indian Muslims by close associates of the Indian government are getting louder and louder. Nimmo gif here for sure!

At home we have the Delhi police insisting that those were not hate speeches at the Hindu Yuva Vahini event where that grisly Sudarshan news channel editor, Chavhanke, exhorted people to take an oath to “Die for and kill to make India a Hindu rashtra”.

Instead, the police sweetly explained that “the speech was about empowering one’s religion to prepare itself to face the evils which could endanger its existence, which is not even remotely connected to call for genocide of any particular religion”. Insert the Nimmo gif now!!!

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I would like to make it extremely clear though that I am not making fun of Ms Sitharaman. Her love for lemons has added zest to her only talent, and since capitalism is our thing, her talent can jolly well be exploited!

I’m willing to buy her tart, juicy and very expensive limes as incentives every week in the fond hope that it will inspire her to become even more expressive. Suppose her ears flap and her eyebrows dance too—wouldn’t that be good for my business?

It would be thrilling if all her facial features responded with jigs to limes, and she could do the whole “Ring the bell / Knock at the door / Peep in / Lift the latch / Take a chair / Sit down there / Good morning Mr Teddy Bear” kiddie act.

I’m not selfish and I would willingly pay my taxes on the Nimmo gif, but dear Ms Sitharaman, I implore you, let my country grow!

(Any resemblance to real people or events is a coincidence)