Reality Bites: Hope some welfare schemes, if not jobs, tumble out of FM’s witchy poo cauldron

In 2013, the Leader-With-Very-Little-Brain promised he would create 1 crore jobs every year if he became PM in 2014—he also promised us 15 L each, ha ha ha.

A few years later, in 2018, it was brought to his notice that he absolutely had to do something about growing unemployment. Of course, his “something” didn’t mean that he made his ministers and bureaucrats roll up their sleeves and think hard about job creation—that’s so pre-2014, and so very Congressi, tut!

Instead, his speech writers were made to burn the midnight oil, and voilà, they solved the problem. The teleprompter was fed, the makeup man and wardrobe assistants did their thing, and then the Leader-With-Very-Little-Brain grandly informed the nation that making and selling pakodas is a noble way to earn a living. His fat cat supporters cheered lustily from their air-conditioned offices, of course.

Before I forget, here’s a recipe for a pakoda dedicated to the Leader-With-Very-Little-Brain: Connect your stove to a foaming drain and let the gutter gas flow. Mix 6 tablespoons of bloaty besan and 12 tablespoons of gassy hing in a bowl. Add salt, chilli powder, onions, and make a paste with water. Just before frying, add 24 tablespoons of fizzy Eno Fruit Salt. Fry. Eat. And soar like a proud Hindutva hero!

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Fast forward to 2022, and there is student unrest over the railway recruitment exams in two states where the BJP is currently in power: Bihar and Uttar Pradesh.

Let’s take Uttar Pradesh because it’s going to the polls soon. Economist Kaushik Basu recently tweeted that unemployment had been a huge issue even before the pandemic: “Polarising people by using politics damages the economy. Youngsters in UP are angry and want change. Here’s why. Youth unemployment in UP was 23.2% in 2021 which is very high & exceeds India’s average. The problem began before COVID: Unemployment in UP was 5.9% in 2018 and 9.9% in 2019.”

I’m waiting for supporters of the Leader-With-Very-Little-Brain to counter this with howls that temples will provide employment. In short, unemployed youth can fry pakodas outside new/refurbished temples, become tour guides, or more lucrative still, lynch Muslims and thrash Christians on any old pretext (the RSS sweetly provides a list of excuses).

Students in Uttar Pradesh have made it very clear that they want real jobs instead, and they went out on the streets to protest. In retaliation, CM Adityanath’s loyal cops stormed into their hostels, smashed doors and windows and physically assaulted them. The students are shocked that they are being treated like terrorists.

I urge them to think back to the days of the anti-CAA protests when their families/neighbours/friends cheered as Adityanath’s cops thrashed and arrested other students and called them terrorists. Is it too much to hope that the penny has finally dropped?

How many of you recall the Leader-With-Very-Little-Brain sobbing as he told us about his mummy washing dishes to earn a living? Perhaps he wouldn’t have wept on national TV if his mummy had sold pakodas for a living instead.

And why, in God’s name, did he not advise “bankrupt” billionaire Anil Ambani to fry pakodas instead of getting him on to the high-profile Rafale deal? I’m tired. Very, very tired at how the nation laps up his lies and how all (yes, all!) our institutions have become compromised and complicit.

The mainstream media is perhaps the most disgusting of them all. Journalists have deliberately ignored video footage of the thoughtless Union Home Minister licking his fingers to apply spittle to a bundle of pamphlets before handing them out during door-to-door campaigns in UP. No prime-time debates about how a Hindutva leader is “deliberately” spreading Covid, like they shamelessly lied about the Muslim community at large. Not a squeak.

At the same time, media hypocrites are tom-tomming the news that the thoughtful Finance Minister will not be stirring her witchy poo cauldron of halwa before the Budget this year because of Covid. No eye of newt, tail of scorpion, or poo of cow will be tossed into the Budget cauldron in that case, whew. Since they can’t provide jobs, let’s hope and pray that welfare schemes are included.

(Any resemblance to real people or events is a coincidence)