Reality Bites: Diyar Bullydozer’s date with Zulfi Bhai & Anjana’s bulldozer joyride

If only the Poet Laureate of the Diyar Bullydozer’s government wasn’t a pathetic brown-noser, India’s body of literature would have been enriched by a moving ‘Ode to Incompetence’.

Nothing seems to work here since 2014, which is why I’m not surprised that some of the Diyar Bullydozer’s ministers keep screaming, “Where’s the Josh?” He’s totally behosh, I assume. Brainwashing leads to terrible hangovers.

One of the many things that just isn’t working is Digital India, even though the Diyar Bullydozer trumpets about it periodically, like he’s the geek who slogged in a garage and created computers, chips, the Internet, apps—the whole shebang.

This explains why when the Supreme Court issued a stay order on demolitions in Delhi, the MCD (run by the BJP for a decade and a half) continued to illegally bulldoze “illegal” encroachments for two long hours after, even though many of the property owners insisted that they had legal documents.

Maybe they couldn’t hear their pleas because of the roar of bulldozers and the bangs and crashes that followed? They reluctantly stopped only after they received the SC order on (gasp) paper! This shows complete disrespect for the SC and for Digital India too! I urge the Diyar Bullydozer to demolish their houses as punishment.

While families in Jahangirpuri were weeping over the loss of their shops and homes, the Diyar Bullydozer was cheerfully inaugurating the Global AYUSH Summit in Gujarat and even flirting with the director-general of the WHO.

He gave Dr Tedros Ghebreyesus a Gujarati pet name, Tulsi Bhai, probably because he found it hard to pronounce his real name. Remember how he mangled former US President Donald Trump’s name a few years earlier and called him (tut) Doland instead?

There was only one politician (yes, only one) who rushed to help those weeping families. The CPI-M’s 74-year-old Brinda Karat stood in front of a bulldozer with a copy of the SC order directing the authorities to stop the demolition drive.

They did not listen to her, but hats off to Brinda Karat for trying! I do hope her party gets votes from Jahangirpuri, because frankly, it deserve votes for caring. Long after the bulldozers were silent, AIMIM’s Asaduddin Owaisi trotted along, hoping to be recognised as another Karat—bah!

On the very same day, Modi/Godi media was torn between gushing over the Diyar Bullydozer’s antics with, erm, Tulsi Bhai, and gloating over the demolitions because (of course) the majority of the property owners belonged to the minority community, all heil the Diyar Bullydozer, JSR, etc. It’s so easy to warm the cockles of their hard little hearts.

Navika Kumar, Group Editor of the Times Network (which gives you a fair idea of just how lousy the network is) exultantly tweeted “Dramatic increase in demand for bulldozers. Are we increasing domestic capacity for manufacturing or will we have to depend on imports?? #JustAsking.” She was so giddy with joy, she forgot to pretend to be a human being.

I thought Kumar had earned the coveted title of the Disgrace of the Day till I read about the antics of India Today’s Anjana Om Kashyap (yes, read—I do not watch rubbish). Kashyap took a joyride on a bulldozer, toured the rubble with glee and, like a finicky housewife, snarled at the bulldozer operator for missing a few spots.

That there were weeping families around who were trying to retrieve a few of their possessions like coins, etc, didn’t bother her a bit—they were not Hindu, see?

UK PM Boris Johnson was in India soon after. Not known to be a sensitive chap, he even visited a JCB bulldozer factory in Gujarat.

Now, if his embassy chaps or his team had watched a few Indian news channels, he should have been aware that those were JCB bulldozers we saw at work on national telly, destroying shops and homes. The branding was crystal clear.

Oh well. As I type this, he is meeting the Diyar Bullydozer, so I have switched my TV off for the entire day. I wonder if he has been lovingly given an Indian nickname too: Zulfi Bhai would be perfect, considering Johnson’s mussed up gold locks.

Also, Zulfi Bhai rhymes with Tulsi Bhai and we know just how much the Diyar Bullydozer’s speech writers love word games.

(Any resemblance to real people or events is a coincidence)