Reality Bites: As Gujarat model loses his charm, Bengal model greedily eyes the boards

Eureka—I’ve finally got it! When the media and public intellectuals waxed eloquent about the Gujarat model in the run up to the 2014 elections, they weren’t talking about a system of governance at all. They were gushing over a peacock reborn as a human being.

India’s star influencers were wowed by the way the Gujarat model strutted around in his expensive finery, and paid no attention at all to his harsh communal cries.

The seven-year-itch has finally kicked in, and the Gujarat model’s flaws have been exposed to the nation at large. Which is why he’s going all out to woo star influencers again by turning expressways and temples into catwalks with 55 cameras trained on him, surrounded by deferential people wearing costumes (sort of like Bollywood background dancers).

He is like the centrepiece on a dining table—not a bunch of flowers, but a peacock carved out of a block of ice, with a methi khakra in its beak.

Sure enough, many mediawallahs are gushing like fountains again after watching him strut around in a completely meaningless manner with his head held high or bowed in prayer. The highlight was when he played water baby in a pyjama suit: he walked into a muddy river, dived a few inches underwater, and resurfaced like a hippo.

Much as I sniggered at his ridiculous pyjama suit, I have to confess that I’m relieved he didn’t wear swimming trunks because he’s no Daniel Craig—not with that gigantic laddoo belly. Also, after seeing Amit Shah and Arvind Kejriwal frolicking like hairy water buffalos in India’s holy rivers, I absolutely do not wish to see another Indian politician stripped down to the waist.

However, I’m in a minority here as the Gujarat model’s latest spectacle has inspired many salutations and most are to the tune of “Hah! No one in the Opposition can match his flair!” Erm, perhaps most members of the opposition aren’t remotely interested in modelling or making spectacles of themselves? After all, isn’t governance what this contest is really about?

I’m now terrified that the Gujarat model’s former (and possibly current) strategist PeeKay will make his latest client do the same thing, so brace yourselves for the sight of West Bengal’s chief minister wading into the Ganges in a flowing white and blue nightie. Fortunately, after 2011, she’s been running for elections on her treadmill, so she’s a far more attractive sight.

One of her biggest supporters, Javed Akhtar, will probably write the lyrics for a moving background song as she takes dainty dips like a tea bag, and a few small Bollywood actresses (fickletons who dumped Kejriwal for her) will do some charming traditional Indian dance moves. Enough to make the nation swoon with joy over the Bengal model too.

Our mainstream media is not concerned about the shabby economy, inflation, bigotry, corruption, autocracy, criminal acts, attacks on mosques and churches, the dangers of monopolies—oh puhleez! They are vacuous people who constantly need to be entertained by any old spectacle, even if it’s just a monkey dancing on the road.

Besides, they know that both the Gujarat model and the Bengal model refuse to give them advertisements unless they praise them to the heavens. The two have a lot in common: they’re autocratic, jail people for sharing cartoons of them, etc. So, I really wouldn’t be surprised if it was their common friend, PeeKay, who set them up. Quite like how Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt, the “It” couple of the early 2000s, had been brought together by their mutual friends.

Things have progressed so beautifully that the Gujarat model’s best friends like Adani have now become chummy with the Bengal model. Better still, the Gujarat model’s “parivaar” is so pleased at this relationship that they’ve written several glowing articles on it in their Bengali mouthpiece ‘Swastika’, and said that the Bengal model and the Gujarat model have an “inseparable dream” of building a Congress-free India.

I predict that in early 2024, just before the general elections, the Gujarat model and the Bengal model will walk hand in hand into a river in satin dressing gowns. There will be 110 cameramen (55 each) present. Their dips will be choreographed. The nation will also catch glimpses of a fat walrus in the water, winking at the cameras. Enjoy!

(Any resemblance to real people or events is a coincidence)

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