Open letter to the Minister for Demolishing Theory of Evolution

To the Minister

Ministry for demolishing Theory of Evolution,

Dear Mr Minister,

At the outset I must confess, that I am a scientist who has been completely corrupted by the modern education system and believe and practice scientific theories. However, I am trying to correct myself after your deliberation that I should not have married a girl in ‘jeans.’ Unfortunately I have committed that crime, more than 35 years ago, and there is no way that I can correct it now.

Yes Mr Minister, you are right that scientists are liars of the first rank. They are intelligent; therefore they are more dangerous for society. They spread fictitious theories. One among these is ‘theory of evolution’. It is crap, you are right; no one has personally witnessed any monkey evolving into a human being.

After your deliberations on ‘Science Day’, my friend Professor A Joshi, who is held in very high esteem by the scientific community, had the audacity to defend theory of evolution and delivered a lecture on ‘Why evolution is Central to both Biology and Our Lives’. He did not fear for his life. The whole nation should be ashamed of him. How can an ordinary scientist refute an assertion made by an Honourable Minister? He should be declared as anti-national, with immediate effect, and asked to leave the country as per prevalent norm. What a shame, he does not believe that Manu gave birth to four castes.

I agree with you, sir, Lamarck and Darwin were cheats and conspirators. Copernicus, Bruno, Galileo were high-ranking frauds. Aryabhatta who opposed and debunked the theory of ‘Rahu and Ketu’ was just a storyteller. Newton was a thief who stole all the knowledge from India. In fact Newton’s laws must be renamed as Vedic laws. But then we will have to name all scientific laws as Vedic Laws, which may create a little bit of confusion. But that is a minor problem. Any way, we must force United Nations to pass a resolution denouncing Newton for his theft. Or maybe Newton was an Ancient Indian seer and the British stole his book, changed his name from ‘Ishan Nutan’ to Isaac Newton, translated and published it. Anyway we must correct the historical record. ICHR has been given that project, but they are busy changing the name of Taj Mahal. I would suggest CBI must be given the responsibility of looking into the ‘Newtonian Fraud’.

You have not said a word about ‘helio-centric’ or ‘geo-centric’ theories, but I know,one day you tell us that the earth is flat and floats on water, may be it rests on horns of a bull (or is it the back of a giant tortoise?), thankfully you have not elaborated on that and younger generations are left alone to study ‘shastras’ to draw firm Vedic conclusions. I know you will also tell us that earthquakes come because the bull shifts earth from one horn to the other, theory of continental drift is all fiction and tectonic plates do not exist. It is flat earth, period. The only problem is that ‘Guru Golwalkar’ believed in this theory of continental drift and tried to prove that Aryans were original inhabitants of India. He had no idea of two different time frames. Guruji made a mistake and mixed up billions of years of continental drift and a few thousand during which human civilisation has evolved. But there is nothing to fear, his books have been removed from all outlets of RSS for political reasons.

Yes sir, earth is in the centre of universe, and does not revolve around the sun. You are fortunate to be in good company of super intellectuals who tell us that cow is the only animal, which inhales as well as exhales oxygen. I must also except that cow urine and cow-dung is the source of all energy. Einstein’s equation E=mc2 must be corrected, it should be Cu=mc2. Where Cu is cow urine.

Sir, if you permit me I will start believing in the theory that our national bird Peahen procreates by drinking tears of Peacock. They cannot indulge in shameful acts of sexual intercourse. The learned judge who propounded this theory, I presume, was married and used this method of procreation. If the entire nation starts believing and using it, a major problem will be solved. We will be able to control population growth by not letting people weep in public or private. Valentine’s Day vigilantes who are trained in lynching can be instructed to target people who cry or shed tears. The only problem is that measures like demonetisation and GST will have adverse impact on population growth. I have seen so many people crying because of price rise since your government has come to power. But that can be tackled by imposing an official ban on shedding tears.

I am also sure you are inspired by the theory that elephant’s head can be transplanted on a human body. Reportedly, no other than ourself-professed ‘chaiwala’ proposed this theory in a packed hall of doctors and experts. Sir, kindly ask our scientist to work on this theory and translate it into usable technology, and that too, before someone from the west, like that thief Newton, steals it away. Just visualise how many patients are going to benefit by this method. Anyone who has a brain-stroke or brain haemorrhage can get his head replaced with an elephant’s head. Most RSS bhakts can get their heads replaced, because any way, they are brain dead.

I was a bit disappointed when you mentioned ‘scientific temper’ in your speech. Was it not Nehru’s conspiracy to introduce this phrase in our learned country? It was surely his conspiracy to pass ‘Scientific Policy Resolution’ in 1958, in Parliament. This made India the first country to pass such a resolution, what a shame. In connivance with CV Raman, SN Bose, Mahalalonbis, HJ Bhabha, SS Bhatnagar, V Sarabhai and whole galaxy of others, it was Nehru who forced newly-born India to expand the Council of Scientific and Industrial Research, it was he who forced the country to build Atomic Energy Commission, Indian Space Research Organisation, Defence Research and Development Organisation. It was Nehru’s conspiracy to create universities where scientists and social scientists were allowed to fearlessly teach anti-national scientific theories. But I do understand your limitations, the constitution is still in place and it says that ‘spreading scientific temper is duty of all citizens of India’. I am sure that you will never utter a phrase like ‘scientific temper’, used by Nehru in his book Discovery of India, once our present constitution is replaced by Manusmriti.

Sir, in the end I will make just two requests. Firstly, issue an order that all books teaching fictitious scientific theories must be burnt with immediate effect, at least those books, which are kept in government-funded libraries. The drive must begin with public burning of books on ‘theory of evolution’. Hitler had done it, you can do it too. All schools must also be banned from teaching such anti-national theories. Department of Biotechnology must be closed down along with all the institutes it runs, because present Biotechnology and Bioinformatics is base on theory of evolution.

Secondly, sir, I will request you to abide by the axiom of ‘charity begins at home’. Please create an example by instructing your children and perhaps grand children to refuse to learn ‘theory of evolution’, and also refuse to sit in any exam that has a paper on theory of evolution. They should be admitted to a ‘gurukul’ where no mind-corrupting theories of western science are taught, or may be they should go to Pakistan where theory of evolution is not taught. You must also request your cabinet colleagues to do the same.

If the larger world and scientific community laughs at you, if they call you illiterate, ignorant, unscientific, irrational or uncivilised, take no notice. Just crush all sciences under your boot. Act like a true ‘policewala’.

Regards

ScientificallyYours,

Gauhar Raza

A scientist corrupted by modern science

NB: I am an ordinary citizen, who believes that there is no ‘spiritual science’ and religions and science are two divergent ways of configuring reality. Science is dynamic and religion is frozen knowledge

This is a piece of satire.