Why must a woman ‘look’ married to be married? Symbols of marital status an added burden on women

I remember a train journey. My spouse was posted with the UN Police in Kosovo. I had gone to join him for a few months. While there we decided to celebrate our wedding anniversary in Athens, Greece. For this we had to take a train from Skopje the capital of Macedonia (which bordered Pristina, capital of Kosovo) to Thessaloniki in Greece and from there we could take a taxi or hop on to another train to Athens. We boarded the train at Skopje, en route the ticket checker came. Smiling he asked, “You Indian? Going to Greece for a vacation?” We said “Yes”.

After checking our tickets he again said, “If I may can I ask you if you are a married couple, nothing official just curious.” We said “Yes” we are. Then he said the funniest thing, “You can tell me, I won’t tell anybody if you’ll are not married.” We asked why he would think we are not a married. Pointing towards me he said, “She does not have the red mark on her forehead, she is not wearing any glass bangles or the saree, and she doesn’t even have long hair like in your movies.” We burst out laughing, my spouse winked at him said he was right, we are not married.

Well, that was that, now you might ask why I am mentioning this incident, this memory came back to me when recently the Guwahati High Court granted divorce to a couple because the wife did not wear any symbols of a married woman like sindoor and sakha (bangles made of conch shell), which according to them indicate that she did not accept the marriage. I wonder how they came to the conclusion that the husband accepted his marital status.

Why must a woman look married?

Now this brings us to the question as to why should a woman wear symbols or signs indicating her marital status?

There is no doubt that a woman looks beautiful when she decks up in bridal finery with the tikka, sindoor, mangalsutra, bicchiya (toe-rings), bangles, nose-pin and anklets. But once the wedding rituals are over don’t you think it’s the choice of the woman whether she wants to wear all of these on a regular basis. Also, these days women have high flying careers, attend boardroom meetings and are bosses in such a scenario does she really have space for all these symbolism, where her marital status does not come into play. Even if she is a homemaker it’s her choice really whether she wants to wear one sign or none at all. Women these days prefer western outfits that are convenient and these signs may look out of place or unnecessary. But my main concern is - when the men don’t have to, why women are asked to?

Just because a woman does not wear these symbols, does not mean she considers her marriage unimportant, or is rebellious or is disrespectful towards the institution of marriage. Also, this choice to wear or not wear should not be a scale to judge a woman’s character. For all you know the woman may not be fond of jewellery or the vermilion may be the cause of an allergy.

Age-old customs

Women are told that they are the custodian of our culture and of the family traditions and these symbols are parts of it. They are told if they don’t wear them then harm will befall on their husbands. Because in our society widows are not allowed to wear any of these symbols, so lack of them on a woman means the husband is not in the picture.

In most parts of India women applying sindoor (vermillion) on the hair parting is the foremost sign of being married, to be applied till her last breath or washed away in case she becomes a widow. The second being the mangalsutra, married women wear them throughout their life. Believe it or not it is also believed that the mangalsutra protects the marriage from any evil. All the other tokenisms have similar such explanation.

Use of symbolism

If a marriage is an unhappy one then no amount of symbolism will change it or save it. Same as when having a baby does not cement an already broken marriage.

I recently watched the movie Bulbbul, it starts with a child marriage, where the girl asks her aunt as to why she has to wear the bicchiya. Her aunt says so that she does not fly away. I believe these symbolisms are constant reminders for a woman so that she never crosses the threshold so to say. At the same time men in our society are free, they can eye other woman, have relationships outside marriages because they choose not to wear any overt symbols of their marital status.

Marriages sustain when there is love and mutual respect between the couple and not by merely keeping up with traditions. Also, a woman’s body is her agency; whether she wants to deck it up or not is her decision.