There are termites, some fat and funny,  some greedy and some with narrow minds 

India’s Union Home Minister has said that India has a huge termite problem and I agree with him wholeheartedly.

Those greedy little termites have eaten up the most valuable temple built by freedom fighters in modern India: Parliament, aka the temple of democracy. They have hollowed out every single pillar, and cracks are beginning to show. These termites probably will go down in the Guinness Book of World Records as the most obese termites on Planet Earth.

The executive is made up of just three weird men: the Prime Minister (who used to wear a divided skirt), the Home Minister (who also used to wear a divided skirt), and another chap who still wears divided skirts, has never stood for elections yet runs the government from Nagpur.

This chap keeps trying to shove all things orange down our throat along with icky stuff cows do in their bathrooms. The rest of the people who make up the executive do not matter — they are just serfs who follow instructions. I feel sorry for them: their backs are in terribly bad shape because they bend frequently to touch the feet of the three weird men.

The legislature is made up of these three weird men and their inconsequential serfs. Also, members of other political parties who really do not count because they are blackmailed and/or bribed frequently so that the three weird men always get their way.

These three weird men treat the judiciary like it’s play-doh, and try to mould it into shapes that take their fancy. No prizes for guessing what their favourite shape is: the swastika, of course.

Going by the last rash of judgements, it’s clear as day that this pillar is as shaky as a milk tooth, and tilts decidedly to the right. Now that India has a new Chief Justice in place, the jury is still out on whether all the cement manufactured in India (and possibly imported from China) can make this pillar stand upright again.

The media pillar has been gnawed through completely and is reduced to a pile of sawdust—no wait, more like a pile of soft, scented, satiny baby powder that is loving applied on the three weird men who gurgle with joy and blow spit bubbles just like you see in television commercials. The job of the media is to ensure that no matter how much muck these three weird men wade through, they must always, always, always smell like babies’ bottoms.

The greedy termites did not end their eating binge there. They even chewed up Article 370 of the Indian Constitution as a midnight snack, so the state of Jammu and Kashmir has become smaller and been reduced to a union territory that is run directly by the three weird men. Shudder. Other states with similar articles live in fear of these termites.

Dastardly termites have also eaten the economy. Not with dainty nibbles but huge bites, starting with demonetisation, GST and exorbitant PR splurges, and ending god only knows where.

If all of us end up on the streets frying pakodas on gutter gas as the prime minister had once suggested, who exactly will buy our wares? See, if I buy your pakodas and you buy mine, we will be back to square one and won’t earn a penny to buy besan, onions, chillies and coriander leaves to make more of those darn pakodas!

Incidentally, one of the three who screams the loudest about India’s termite problem whenever a mike is thrust in his face, has an incredibly rich wife. According to the declaration, he made while filing his nomination papers for the Lok Sabha elections, her income grew from Rs 14 lakh annually to Rs 2.3 crore in the last five years (a whopping 16-fold increase).

And now to his son: the website of the Ministry of Corporate Affairs reports that sonny’s company had seen an increase of 14,925% in its income between 2014 to 2019. If only these two financial wizards would do for the country what they do for themselves, sigh. Perhaps we should campaign for them to replace the current Finance Minister?

Finally, I’m beginning to wonder if India should have a full pest control service that covers every pestilential insect known to man and dog, because there seem to be a lot of incredibly fat ticks around too