Satire: Rupa Gulab on Arnab’s idol and Goswami’s meltdown on national TV 

Once upon a time we thought Arnab Goswami was a news anchor. We also foolishly believed that he loved us (his viewers) much, much more than he loved his mummy-daddy. It didn’t matter if we were Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Sikhs, Parsis, Buddhists, Jains, Jews, etc—he loved us equally, and none of us got an extra lollipop from him.

It was in the run-up to the 2014 elections that the scales fell from our eyes. That’s when we discovered that the satin boxer shorts Arnab wears under his suits are orange-coloured, he loves his idol more than he loves us, and his idol is our Dear Leader. We also discovered that Arnab isn’t a news anchor at all, but one of idol’s many propaganda agents. People who don’t adore his idol are anti-nationals, urban naxals, terrorists, Lutyens looteras, migrants/termites, members of a fictional tukde tukde gang, dissenters, etc. who should be charged with sedition, thrown into jails and spend the rest of their sorry lives eating watery dal seasoned with crunchy cockroaches for extra protein.

Note: Arnab’s insults are from the Helpful Hindutva Hate Handbook, created by the idol’s crackpot team of advisors from Nagpur, and it is given to all his supporters and benefactors.

If you didn’t see Arnab’s public meltdown over the letter prominent citizens (including Aparna Sen) wrote to his idol condemning lynchings and hate crimes, you’ve been living under a rock (probably the same infamous rock his dear old idol collapsed on after two counts of some easy peasy yoga asana, like the cow pose). How dare anyone criticise his idol’s fondness for Hindutva cultural activities like lynchings? The poor thing is so old, must we take away the few pleasures the idol has left in this life? A furious Arnab pulled out his cell phone and fired whataboutery at Aparna Sen while she was in the middle of a press meet. She ignored him completely (what any sane person should do) and that made him explode with rage. He called her the usual names, the ones listed in the Helpful Hindutva Hate Handbook, but Sen wisely continued to ignore him.

After Arnab was hurriedly wheeled to the nearest cow shed to inhale the natural oxygen cows exhale to recover from his apoplectic fit, someone else had to take over to defend his idol.

Now, an aside to my readers about that ‘cow oxygen’ reference: please do not snigger! This is a scientific fact, detailed in the Sangh Parivar’s Helpful Cow Remedies For Extremely Foolish People Handbook which is circulated to all their members, okay?

Right. So the baton was handed to India’s most sensitive poet, Prasoon Joshi, and 61 other people who love Arnab’s idol dearly. Why, if 49 citizens could tell Arnab’s idol off for not stopping lynchings, then 62 citizens could jolly well write a letter praising his idol and trashing people who did not approve of his fondness for acts of violence.

Joshi revealed his softest side in that letter. He was very, very upset that by asking Arnab’s idol to stop hate crimes, the world would think the idol was a dreadful person and India’s image would be tarnished. So what if some Muslim or Dalit’s son or father is killed bythe idol’s supporters for any old reason? Arnab’s idol’s happiness comes first, and if the idol is happy, who cares about anyone else—pooh! To defend Arnab’s idol further, Joshi called the anti-hate crime letter writers some names from the Helpful Hindutva Hate Handbook and added that ‘Lynching is a social malady which has to be dealt up front’ (sic).

Here I agree. Those lynch mobs have to be dealt with, but severely at that—not rewarded and garlanded by members of mummy’s party. Also, when he says lynching is a social malady, the least Joshi could have done was look at actual data online. That would have told him exactly which society s responsible for the largest number of hate crimes. According to p.factchecker.in, 59% of the perpetrators are Hindus, and 59% of the victims are Muslims. So yeah, it’s safe to say that Joshi, the delicate darling, is far too sensitive to deal with the harsh truth.

But back to Arnab. I’m worried about him. I hope his idol sends him to a shrink before he completely loses it. Or else the nation may witness a horrible sight: Arnab stripping down to his orange boxers and dancing on his desk while he’s live on national television. Be warned.