Men run the risk of being reborn as bullocks and educated women of getting divorced

Men will be born as bullocks in their next life if they eat food cooked by menstruating women, according to a member of the Swaminarayan cult.

I understand that members of the scientific community oppose special research on how or why or whether indigenous Indian cows are superior to imported foreign cows. But perhaps research is necessary into finding out just how many bullocks are actually men reborn.

This should be a planetary exercise. Because make no mistake. A large population of bulls, bullocks, oxen, whatever across the Earth will most likely to be men reborn as bullocks, having eaten food cooked by menstruating females in their human phase, most likely cooked by their mothers, sisters, aunts, wives and so on.

This is a threat of castration in the next birth, if I read between the lines correctly. A sort of revenge of the mitochondrial Eve if you like, and every man including the said cult member, needs to watch out.

“Cow is our mother”, these various cult leaders and RSS-related politicians keep telling us. For a strong patriarchal society like ours, the male of the species when it comes to the bovine though is given short shrift, clip clip, severely under-appreciated and largely dispensable.

Possibly the only time in Indian cultural history when a girl is more important than a boy, though to be perfectly accurate patriarchy and prejudice-wise, it is cowgirls who are more important than cowboys in the metaphorical sense. In the real world, it’s humiliation of the female as usual.

As for the bulk of the bullock population worldwide spreading methane everywhere, the main cause has to be menstruating women. If men think they are safe from bullock rebirth by locking women into basements and out of kitchens, as they do in hostels in Gujarat’s Bhuj district, or denying women entry into kitchens, they neither understand women nor do they understand menstruation.

Make no mistake, at some point in your life, a menstruating woman has cooked for you and you have eaten the result. Men really need to cook for themselves if they wish to escape the scourge of menstruating females polluting their kitchens, not to mention the threat of their next life as a bullock.

Women meanwhile who dare to feed future bullocks what they have cooked while menstruating, well, they will be reborn as female dogs according to the same cult member. As we all know, women of all types, whether cooks or not, get called female dogs very often so there is nothing unusual there.

And on the balance, is life as a bullock better than life as a female dog? Bullocks are made to do a lot of work, apart from possible clip clip, and thanks to our Supreme Court’s animal-friendly judgments, female dogs can get spayed quite early so that’s quite an easy life.

Cow maybe our mother, but human mothers, well, they are another story. Female trainee clerks at the Surat Municipal Corporation had to undergo a medical test to check that they were not pregnant. Obviously in the most humiliating way possible because what use is patriarchy if it cannot abuse and humiliate as many women at one time as possible, like standing naked in clumps and being examined without privacy. How being pregnant makes one unable to function as a municipal clerk is not clear. I can hear some of you thinking that municipal clerks usually need no excuse to be unable to function, whether male or female.

We reserve the best for last. Mohan Bhagwat, head of the Rashtriya Swayamsewak Sangh aka RSS has informed the world that education and wealth lead to divorce and this can lead to the collapse of society. You might think this is a perfect excuse for the Narendra Modi Government to continue with its inefficiency when it comes to both education and wealth creation.

Also, Bhagwat claims he has learnt all his culture from women, which I suspect is just patriarchy shifting the blame. Bhagwat also said that women are important in society and should be more enlightened. Basically, this means we need a duel with Bhagwat on one side and on the other, the Swaminarayan cultist and his staff at Bhuj, the Surat Municipal Corporation and the rest of India’s patriarchal society.

Of course, we will all have to be uneducated and poor, but is that such a high price to pay to watch these patriarchal worthies battle each other on their rampant ignorance and misogyny?

(Disclaimer: The views expressed are the author’s own)