Lockdown from Monday: Ministry of ‘Clarifications’ clears the air on earlier clarifications

If you’ve caught the virus, please fill out an affidavit at the nearest government centre about why you caught the virus. However, you cannot go to the government centre by road, rail, air, bus, autorickshaw, bicycle, motorcycle, scooter, car, feet. Those who fail to get to the government centre (only open from 6 am to 6.15 am on Mondays, Thursdays and Saturdays except for first and third Saturdays and open from 7.15 to 7.22 the rest of the week barring Sundays when nothing is open) will find that living will get very difficult with or without the virus especially on Tuesday mornings at 7.23 am.

If you are a health worker and you have irresponsibly managed to get infected, then further action will be taken against by a medical director who will direct the concerned department about your behaviour. Health workers who complain that they don’t have personal protection equipment, medicines, beds for patients and other such petty grumbles will face penal action later. However please note that petals will be dropped across the country, to follow up on clanging pans, clapping and lighting diyas to show our national appreciation for health workers. The cost of the petal exercise will be deducted from your salary at a later date. Complaints will not be tolerated.

Shops will now be allowed to open. It should be noted that when we say shops will open, we don’t mean all shops or any shops or shops that are next to other shops. We mean shops that are in isolated areas with no other shop around for at least 200 kms. This shop that can open cannot be a barber shop unless there is no other barber shop for an 800 km radius. For a beauty parlour, the radius is 900 km. Any other kind of shop may or may not open. Please await the next clarification from the Ministry of Clarifications. This should be expected within the next five minutes or maybe five days.

Alcohol and tobacco outlets will be open every day between 4 am and 5 am. No one is allowed out of their homes between 7 pm and 7 am, except those who are part of “essential services”. According to Government of India notification number 571974 subsection d/ii/xe paragraph 17 line 11 of 1892, alcohol and tobacco are not essential services.

The whole country is now divided into coloured zones. Nothing is allowed in the violet zone. Almost nothing is allowed in the indigo zone. Some things are allowed in the mauve zone. Everything is allowed in the turquoise zone. These allowances are subject to rules in the next section of this government notice. This section makes it clear that transport between zones is only allowed based on the earlier clarification about transport within the zone which includes a car with a driver (cars without drivers are not permitted), bicycles with wheels, scooters with stepneys but no pillion rider, motorcycles with loud exhaust sounds are not permissible at any point of the day or night.

Hospitals are now open but the presence of health workers to deal with all and any medical complaints will depend on the second paragraph of this notice. Patients are requested to kindly be cooperative if there are no health workers, hospital equipment, medicines and so on. People who are not cooperative will have to face action and/or the virus. This will be confirmed in the clarification after the next clarification.

All citizens regardless of whether they have been disenfranchised by earlier government rulings or have had their citizenship questioned or are citizens of other countries but patriotic about this country will be required from time to time to stand on their balconies for any possible form of propaganda sorry entertainment like applauding falling petals and so on that this government may decide to do. This is for everyone’s own good. It will make no difference to the virus but in case it does, a new notification will be sent out by the Ministry of Propaganda.

Migrant workers, labourers and other people who incessantly complain that they have no food or money must now approach the courts. The courts will now be closed until further notice. Members of the public who feel so inclined may attempt to help these people as long as they do not use public roads, rail, air space or any medium or form of movement.

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