Monkey-capped Mufflerman leaks FM’s Budget speech in Delhi Metro

Sociologist Yogendra Yadav’s worst nightmare could be turning into reality if a leaked draft of the Finance Minister’s budget speech is any indication. Yadav this week wrote that he was dreading this year’s budget because it appeared that the FM was planning to declare a ‘Universal Basic Income’ for people below the poverty line, subject to conditions.

The FM’s ‘draft’ budget speech announces UBI of ₹2,000 for each family—but not for every adult—below the poverty line and invites people to pay for it with a 2% hike in Service Tax. The glorious, patriotic people of India, he apparently plans to declare, would not be averse to suffer another ‘short-term pain’ to ensure that a large section of still impoverished Indians, reduced to penury by 66 years of dynastic rule, get access to food.

While NH has not been able to independently verify the authenticity of the FM’s speech, the draft surreptitiously handed over to this reporter as he entered the Central Secretariat Metro station, by a suspicious, overbearing and self-righteous man in a Monkey Cap and a muffler, appeared to match the FM’s linguistic flourish.

Corporate tax, as per the leaked speech, has been slashed to 25%. Special incentives are being offered to any company/ CEO who praises the Budget on TV on Wednesday afternoon, and is able to follow up with praise for the PM at least twice a month over the next six months.

Repeated praise of all government policies, especially on demonetisation, would make companies eligible for special tax breaks. Putting the PM’s photos in the company's calendars and other stationary would attract extra leeway on depreciation on plant and machinery.

Income tax slabs are set to increase across the board. People earning up to ₹5 lakh will not have to pay taxes; 10% Income Tax will be charged up to an annual taxable income of ₹15 lakh; 20% up to ₹25 lakh and 25% above that. But, there's a rider: People who don't pay tax can't keep more than ₹10,000 in cash at home.

Others can keep cash in proportion to the taxes paid—but should at all times be ready to produce Form 16 for the last three years and a signed statement by two officers of the bank they withdrew cash from. Failure to produce any of the above documents will entail a fine of 100% of the amount kept at home. This way black money will vanish completely. However, this will not apply to political parties and religious institutions.

The NDA Government will also announce a new cess of 0.5% called 'GST cess' on all petroleum products and non-alcoholic beverages. However, companies that put the PM’s image on their beverage products can claim 0.1% cess exemption by March 2018.

For the first time, the Railways budget is being subsumed into the Union Budget. The Prime Minister, says the FM in the draft speech, believes in the principle of 'less government, more governance'. Therefore, the government will auction certain profit-making railway routes to private players. Special preference will be offered to companies that have participated in Vibrant Gujarat summits.

This was the point when this reporter started "hearing voices" and was shaken awake. He opened his eyes to find someone tapping his shoulder saying “Wake up! This is the last stop, Badarpur station."

"All this was a dream. Darn work pressure," cursed the journalist, as he quickly exited the Metro.

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to people and facts in this piece is purely coincidental. Readers are advised to read between the lines at their own risk.