The pandemic has changed my views on life, death, neighbours and friends 

NCR/Delhi

Doctors are compared with God in our society but we do not possess any divine power. We too fear for our lives. Every morning I ask myself if I would return home in the evening. I see the mirror more closely as If I am seeing myself for the last time. In the time of the pandemic, we are as ordinary and as helpless as other citizens.

For others it is hard to imagine how difficult and suffocating it is for doctors to wear a PPE kit in such humid weather for 8-9 hours every day.Due to excessive sweating and dehydration I frequently suffer from nausea and shortness of breath. But there was no way I could get out of the kit, drink water or have a biscuit.

Sometimes I wonder how I am still alive when hundreds of people are dying around me. Life is beautiful. My perception about human life has changed completely. Now, I am more grateful and respectful for what I have.

I will not talk about the poor state of the health infrastructure in our country. It is well known. As a doctor, I have to serve those who are suffering. That is the oath that I took and I read it everyday. It gives me inner strength.

But the cordiality that existed between doctors and patientsis now missing. Everyone is suspicious of everyone else. Many patients come with preconceived notions that they might be jailed or die if they test positive. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I feel sorry because they are innocent people swayed by disinformation fed by mainstream media.

My duty hours in the morning, though filled with anxiety, fear and hope, are still tolerable. But the afternoon meetings are what make me furious.When I hear of the shortage or unavailability of equipment, masks and PPEs, I lose my patience. I become a different person altogether by afternoon. My generosity goes out of the window and I fume at people who are not doing their job when the rest of us are risking our lives.

It has been more than six months now that I have not attended any conference or seminar. Forget about holiday. Donning and doffing the PPE kit each day, realising that nothing is normal, we still have to stand firm.

Some of my friends had to face evictions and humiliation from neighbours – the same neighbours who on a normal day would ask for a prescription for all kinds of ailment. I had never imagined that my fellow countrymen could do this to us. I can imagine now what sort of exclusion Muslims and Dalits face in India.

Being a doctor is perhaps the toughest thing in the time of pandemic. But I am not a doctor only. I am someone’s daughter, someone’s sister also. When I return home, I fear for the safety of my family members. I don’t want them to be infected with the virus from me. But they are not afraid of me but instead feel proud of me.

The crisis has made people aware of ‘real-life’ heroes, who do not appear on TV debates or in newspapers.But they are the ones who are struggling to save lives of people they barely know.

One day, this calamity will be overbut the lessons we have learnt are going to live with me forever.

(As told to Vishwadeepak)