Getting rid of childhood trauma

Rishi*, a 22-year old UPSC aspirant from Lucknow, says that he still gets flashbacks of holding his mother’s dead body in his arms, even though it has been years since she passed away. Some trauma never goes away, he feels.

A lot of what happens to people in their childhood shapes who they grow up to become as adults. If someone has had a great childhood, they usually turn up to become what society terms “normal”. But even the smallest of negative events can give nightmares to children, because they do not have the mental capacity to process them. Growing up, these people then often have trouble navigating through emotions.

Anushka, a final-year undergraduate student at Delhi University, lost her grandmother last year. And she says that she still hasn’t come to terms with the loss. Being a daughter to working parents who lived in different cities, her grandmother was her only confidante growing up. She says, “I still have her dreams which makes me vulnerable. Her memories trigger me and I get panic attacks. I’ve had numerous breakdowns ever since.” Besides the mental health issues she has been battling, Anushka feels that the event has also impacted her dating life, because now she has a constant fear of abandonment.

However, losing a loved one is not the only kind of trauma that changes a person’s life. Agam*, a Hyderabad-based journalist, was sexually assaulted by his neighbour when he was in 5th or 6th standard. “Even though I’m happy, I struggle with my emotions every time I consume alcohol. I’ve developed insecurities, become an introvert,” he says. Agam adds that he’s stopped trying to make connections with people, because that incident made him so underconfident that he couldn’t express himself anymore.

A Delhi-based stylist, Neha, has a similar tale to recall. As a kid, she was sexually assaulted by a man who worked at her place, but she did not realize what was happening to her until her school conducted a seminar on sex education. She says, “After that my PTSD [post-traumatic stress disorder] triggered and I started harming myself in sleep. I used to wake up with blood in my fingernails and scratches all over my legs.” Though she controlled it to an extent with meditation, it has now turned into a sleeping disorder that has often given her anxiety and panic attacks. She adds that she has been suicidal and has displayed self-destructive behaviour in the recent past.

Divija Bhasin, a Delhi-based therapist who runs the mental health channel @awkwardgoat3 on Instagram, feels that sometimes the issues one faces might not seem like a trauma-response to others, because of the stigma and lack of awareness attached to mental health issues. “A person who got sexually abused as a child might grow up anxious and not be able to study well. To others, it’ll seem like the person is just lazy or not interested in studying but in reality, it’s just a way the trauma is coming up,” she says.

Trauma response shows up in different people in different ways, says Bhasin. It can lead to migraines, stomach aches, backaches, low self-esteem, depression, low concentration, panic attacks, and more. She adds that a common response to trauma is self-doubt because survivors blame themselves for not doing enough.

Sabhyata Goswami, a clinical psychologist, nods in agreement. She thinks that a supportive and secure environment is the first step to making sure a child does not face trauma. The way a parent behaves is of umpteen importance.

Abha*, a journalist and actress from Hyderabad, couldn’t agree more. She says that while growing up, her parents took all major decisions for her, without consulting her, even if they saw she was struggling with something. “There was too much happening all at once. Changing school, going to the wrong college, studying the wrong course, bullying, mom falling sick, dad getting transferred. I couldn’t deal,” says she. Abha adds that she felt she had lost all control over her life because others made her choices for her, and she still holds resentment against them. “How did my parents not realize I was not happy?” she asks.

But as a parent to a young child, Chennai-based musician, Kriyang, feels that navigating through mental health issues is tricky. He feels that besides the expectations a child has from a parent, there are also expectations that society has. But the latter matters less, because your child should always be your priority, says he.

“It is extremely important to have the right mindset at home that nurtures the brain of a child as well as helps channelise their energy in the right direction,” adds Kriyang. But Goswami feels that it is also important for parents and guardians “to identify and work on their own triggers or traumas, to limit the possibility of passing it down to their children and inculcating it in their behavior.”

Can mental health resources provided at the right point in time help people come to terms with their trauma? Rishi says it would definitely have helped him. He says that he wanted to talk but there was no one in his family he could turn to. “If someone sensible would have taken out time to explain things to me, I would have been more emotionally stable,” he says.

Agam feels the same. As a kid, he was too scared to tell his parents that the neighbour was hitting and assaulting him, but talking to an adult would have helped definitely. But it’s not too late. Goswami shares that therapy can help resolve childhood trauma in adults. “Therapists can use various approaches like Cognitive Processing Therapy, Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavior Therapy, EMDR, etc. Therapy has proved to be immensely successful in resolving childhood trauma and has enabled people to raise healthy families and have a fulfilling life,” she says.

Bhasin feels that the least we can do is talk about these things. She says, “We need to raise awareness by normalizing “difficult” conversations like sexual abuse, physical abuse by parents, etc, and not trivializing them. Just because something happens to a lot of people doesn’t mean it’s okay.” She adds that the flaws in parenting also need to be pointed out, such as when parents hit children, because that can be very traumatic for a kid.

With time, PTSD changes too. Anushka, Rishi and Abha, all three have pondered about the situation of their family enough to try and understand where their parents came from, and to place the trauma-inducing events in a context. But what they mutually agree on is that they did not have to go through so much and carry such emotional baggage at a young age. It is possible that their trauma gave their emotional maturity, but it was not required as a kid, they just wanted to be happy. There could have been help offered.

As Kriyang puts it, “It is important for a child to know that he can walk and speak to people around him for things. Comfort corner approach works in my view. There should always be atleast one person for the child to always feel comfortable to reach out to.”

*names changed to protect identity

(This was first published in National Herald on Sunday)