The sulking Indian angry, old man is the new star for WhatsApp uncles and aunties

Why do Sanghis shout and whine so much, is what I have always wanted to know.

External Affairs Minister Dr S Jaishankar, a relatively new entrant to the Sangh Parivar, has become an expert at this game. He’s India’s leading Angry Old Man now, a star in his own right. I do hope he visits a good geriatric doctor soon because he sounds just like a sulky little boy on a crazy sugar high.

The first big drama queen tantrum he threw was when he furiously cancelled a meeting with US lawmakers because Indian-American Congresswoman Pramila Jayapal would be there. He was “katti” with her because of her principled stand on Kashmir, see?

This was followed by several little hysterical fits whenever certain world leaders tentatively mentioned that they did not approve of his party’s bigotry and violence towards minorities in India (they used softer, far more diplomatic words, I’m sure). It’s so not fair that the world disapproves of my government being unfair and cruel, boo-hoo, is his constant refrain.

His latest tantrum took place at the ET Global Business Summit when he was asked if criticism against the CAA and sectarian violence in New Delhi was responsible for India losing some of its friends. “Maybe we’re getting to know who our friends really are,” was his petulant response.

I have no idea how he imagines world leaders will react to this display of surliness. Does he honestly expect them to write tear-stained letters of apology to him, with parcels of his favourite eggless cake and a Bob the Builder doll enclosed as a make-up present, or what?

Suppose, just suppose, that some world leaders don’t take kindly to his tantrums anymore? Perhaps his boss will be invited to fewer countries to demonstrate his world-famous limpet-like hugging skills? That won’t sit well with the Prime Megalomaniac—we know this for certain because his desi bestie Amit Shah has told us just how much he enjoys bathing at airports—sort of like how birds will only bathe in bird baths, and nothing else will do for them.

Also, the Prime Megalomaniac will have no excuse to bunk parliament (which he dislikes with a passion because democracy is so annoying with all those questions asked, etc). Even worse, his fancy tailors who make all his wonderfully weird travelling outfits will be jobless and then the already failing economy will crash. That’s the only industry that’s booming, thanks to one man.

Oh wait—I got carried away. Correction: the Prime Megalomaniac won’t be upset over the economy, but he certainly will throw bigger tantrums than Jaishankar if he’s not allowed to travel abroad and bathe at airports.

All the brownie points that Jaishankar had recently earned for spreading the usual Sanghi nonsense about Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru being mean to Sardar Vallabhbhai Patel on Twitter will be taken away. Oh, and his bonus points too for trashing the United Nations Human Rights Council (UNHRC) when its Commissioner Michelle Bachelet informed India that her office had filed an intervention application in Supreme Court over the discriminatory Citizenship Amendment Act.

He jumped up and down like a cartoon character on an imaginary trampoline and screamed “No locus standi!”. He also said that the Director had been wrong in the past—this must have warmed Sanghi hearts the most, because, well, the director is a woman, and patriarchy rules.

Because I am a nice person, I appeal to his family to ration his doughnuts, chocolates, mithais, pastries, pasta, bread, etc. I urge them to take him to Baba Ramdev for a consultation (it’s free for BJP members because they give him acres of land free). Let him drink Patanjali lauki juice and swallow pills that don’t work for Ramdev himself, as we saw when he went on a fast during that sham called IAC.

However, this does not mean that all is lost for dear old Jaishankar. His childish tantrums have helped him make it to Sanghi WhatsApp, hooray!

Those WhatsApp Uncles and Aunties (admit it, we all have those embarrassing creatures in our families) are clapping, cheering and whistling madly for him. He’s their new shining star, the beacon in their murky Hindutva world, the new prime minister-in-waiting, perhaps? In this respect (and this respect alone) his cup of go mutra brimmeth over.