Satire: Judging by the ways the Governor and Govt are behaving, Kashmir appears to be BJP property 

Did you know that Kashmir is not part of India anymore? It’s apparently the BJP’s personal property now, and practically every square inch is covered with defence personnel — things are certainly looking up for the barbed wire industry. I’m surprised the BJP hasn’t put up signboards yet like, “Keep out—private property,” “Trespassers will be tried as terrorists,” “Jai Shri Ram,” Beware of Amit Shah!” etc. If the BJP doesn’t like you, they turn you away at the airport and, the horror of it all is, the cheapskates do not refund your wasted air fare! Only their party members, their loyal cheerleaders in the media, RSS bosses, investors and friends are allowed to step in.

A few days ago, a nine-party Opposition delegation flew to Srinagar. This was after Rahul Gandhi had a saucy altercation with the extremely odd Governor Satyapal Malik on Twitter who dared him to come to Kashmir. On board, the delegation heard horror stories from Kashmiri students and other passengers (one of which has been shared on social media). Once they landed, the Opposition delegation was not allowed to enter the city and members of the press were manhandled. On exactly the same day and at around the same time, the Dear Leader was in Abu Dhabi, warmly inviting NRIs to come to Kashmir and invest in it. Gosh. So only “Dogs & Noncheerleaders” are not allowed, it seems. Perhaps Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal will be given a saffron-coloured visa to Kashmir, now that he has finally come out of the broom closet. No, he’s not wearing Jimmy Choo stilettos, a sparkly sequined gown and a blonde wig. Pity, because I’d maybe have become a staunch supporter if he’d done that. He looks just like his old nondescript self, but he talks like a member of the RSS-BJP.

For example, he loves what the BJP has done to Kashmir. I won’t be surprised if sometime in the near future, Prashant Kishor will produce a comic book on Bal Arvind. The likely storyline: Bal Arvind throws a tantrum on his 3rd birthday when his mummy-daddy give him a teddy bear. “I told you all I wanted was the abrogation of Article 370 in Kashmir!” he screams, shaking a broom at his parents. The story ends with him going on a hunger strike. Some of us had always suspected that Kejriwal was born in a cow shed like a Hindu Baby Jesus, and Mohan Bhagwat, Ajit Doval and Yeddyurappa were the three wise men who brought him gifts like gau mutra, panchgavya, trishuls, etc. Others even had facts and photographs available as proof, but nobody wanted to believe us. Anyway, he did what he was supposed to do: split the secular vote in 2014 to give the BJP a shoo-in. Write him off immediately if you’re not into Hindutva bigotry and authoritarianism, but be alert: chances are, the BJP is creating more like him all over India. It’s a minefield out there, so think carefully before you give your heart to people without doing your homework (the lazy media won’t do it for you). Kejriwal’s mad crush on the BJP inspired him to say that he’s sure the BJP will get the falling economy to rise again (yeah right, but the way they’re going about it, I think they need five trillion snake charmers to make it happen). Which brings me to Union Finance Minister Nirmala Sitharaman and her seamstress aunty. There was no fancy-schmancy bahi-khata to exclaim excitedly over when she announced rollbacks to her Budget last week. Perhaps because her aunty became so famous after the bahi-khata made its debut in Parliament that she’s up to her ears in orders?

Anyway, Sitharaman said some soothing words to bring our blood pressure down, and also gave an assurance that her government is going to rescue the auto industry by buying fancy new cars for themselves with our money. The faithful cheered at the huge sacrifice the government was making to save the economy. I cannot tell you what the faithless said, however, because all dissenters are terrorists. What I don’t understand is this: why can’t the BJP get new talent to rescue the economy instead of chasing senior Congress leaders like P Chidambaram? They come across as lusty and comical Bollywood heroes circling trees and even climbing walls while in hot pursuit. And then they behave like spiteful jilted lovers when their advances are rejected, tut—such a bad example for India’s youth!