Reality Bites: Unique Christmas gifts for ‘leaders’

In early December, a local Bajrang Dal leader in Assam sweetly announced that his party would beat up Hindus who visited churches during Christmas. This is something that the nation should worry about, considering that the Bajrang Dal rose to fame in 1999 when Australian missionary Graham Staines and his two sons (aged 10 and 6) were burnt to death in Odisha.

Not surprisingly, Pratap Chandra Sarangi (the Odisha convener of the Bajrang Dal at that time) was sworn in as a junior minister in the Narendra Modi government in 2019. It took a couple of decades to get his thank you present from the Sangh Parivar, but they made it worth his while by organising a massive PR drive. Mainstream media did such a great job whitewashing Sarangi that he can now become an air hostess if he wants, just like in those fairness cream ads.

I have decided to give a few members of the Sangh Parivar Christmas presents this year to demonstrate the joys of being inclusive. Oh, and also to let them know that they cannot dictate terms to me just because I’m a lowly citizen. Here’s a list of my presents:

RSS chief Mohan Bhagwat gets a live model of himself: a walrus. It will be the star attraction at RSS headquarters, and may distract people from the organisation’s somewhat unsavoury ideology. Liberals across the world may have gone “awww” instead of “ewww” if German Ambassador Walter J Lindner and Australian High Commissioner Barry O’ Farrell had posted pictures of themselves with a walrus instead of the portrait of former RSS chief MS Golwalkar who sang praises to Nazi Germany in his book ‘We or Our Nationhood Defined.’

Here’s an excerpt: “…To keep up the purity of the nation and its culture, Germany shocked the world by her purging the country of Semitic races – the Jews. National pride at its highest has been manifested here. Germany has also shown how well-nigh impossible it is for races and cultures, having differences going to the root, to be assimilated into one united whole, a good lesson for us in Hindustan to learn and profit by.” Shame that Lindner and O’Farrell hadn’t read that telling book before their visits.

External Affairs Minister S Jaishankar gets a gift coupon that entitles him to 10 Anger Management sessions anywhere in the world. The man’s sulks and tantrums are getting quite as frightening as Lord Shiva’s Rudra Tandava, the dance of destruction. He lost it with Democrats in the US over his party’s lousy human rights record in Kashmir, he threw a hissy fit when Canada’s prime minister Justin Trudeau supported our farmers and said, “Canada will always be there to defend the right of peaceful protest.” And oh dear, expect more fireworks from Jaishankar on the world stage soon, because Stephane Dujarric, Spokesperson for the Secretary General of the United Nations, also commented on the protests by farmers. She said, “...People have a right to demonstrate peacefully and authorities need to let them do so.” If Jaishankar carries on like this, India won’t have any friends left in the world!

The BJP’s Election Minister Amit Shah gets a ‘Free Parking’ windshield sticker to my building complex so he’s not stopped by the guards when he comes to campaign for our Resident Welfare Association elections. This may sound cheap, but it’s an extremely thoughtful present. See, there was a shootout in our complex a few years ago, and the guards have now been trained to identify menacing characters.

I’m hiring a wrestling ring for a day—that’s a joint Christmas present for BJP MP Prakash Javadekar and Niti Aayog CEO Amitabh Kant. Kant keeps whining that India has “too much democracy”, while Javadekar insists that the new Parliament building will strengthen democracy. Let them fight it out!

The Emperor of Entire Fakery gets nothing, however. He’s already bought himself many presents with our money! Two fancy planes that cost 8400 Cr, a new parliament building that costs about 1000 Cr and looks like a cheap birthday cake from a dodgy bakery. He’s also building a new house for himself, which, going by his flashy tastes, will probably look like a Walt Disney castle.

In addition, he’s given himself the greatest present ever: a bottomless piggy bank called PM Cares Fund. The man needs nothing more.

(Any resemblance to real characters and events is a coincidence)