Reality Bites: They don’t know but I will win this attack too like crazy

The “Lootyens” gang is spreading rumours that I ran away from Mumbai because I did not want to repeat my stay at Taloja jail. Not on the same abetment to suicide charge, but for my “alleged” (ha ha) TRP scam. I absolutely insist the nation knows that I did not run away from Mumbai—no Sir, the Lord of the Cows never runs away from anything! Did I run when it was revealed that I passed off Mr Sourdosa’s scary 2002 experience of encountering Hindutva goons in Gujarat as my own?

I brazened it out. Yes, I brazened it out because that’s the stuff I’m made of. Lesser mortals may feel shame when they’re caught lying, but I am not a lesser mortal, I am the Lord of the Cows! Never ever, ever, ever confuse Indian cows with Africa’s meek wildebeest who run away from lions. Let lions try to eat me and they will discover that I am tougher than old army boots. I won’t have a scar to show for it, but their teeth will be broken. They will have to be fed intravenously for the rest of their sorry lives. That’s how tough I am. See?

So, I repeat—I did not run away from Mumbai, I merely went to NCR for some rest and recreation. Shouting 24x7 can take a toll on your vocal cords, after all. I first spent quality time in a cow shed to bond with my loving subjects. We grazed happily and chewed the cud together, and at milking time I’d hang out with the guy gais and inhale the exhilarating aroma of steaming hot bullshit. After that I spent time in Delhi with my buddies: NM, AS (I said AS, not ASS), and my favourite gang of drunk army veterans. We spent hours dissing the INC and Rahul Gandhi—we hate them much, much more than we hate Pakistan, but you know that already, heh.

Had a brief chat with the spy guy who asked if I’d like to grow a long beard to disguise myself as Rabindranath Tagore too, in case the Mumbai police came calling, but I snapped and told him I’m a cowherd, not a coward. He persisted and said he had heard things from his spies who were disguised as strawberries in Khan Market. My ears perked up and I asked him if this was something I should get “elated” about. As I told PDG, they always let me know in advance when something big will happen. It’s good for my TRPs and it’s good for their votes!

He shook his head and revealed that it wasn’t a national secret this time. “People are laughing at you,” he said, and advised me to lie low for a while. I exploded.

How DARE they laugh at me? Don’t they know who I am?!!! I’m the man who inspires judges to get poetic about personal liberty! I’m the man who can get a honeymooning lawyer to ignore his beautiful wife! I’m the man who can call students terrorists in my TV studio and get them arrested without any hope of bail! I’m the man who can get ministers to do me huge favours, even useless ministers like Javadekar! And most importantly, I’m the only media person this government respects, and they know it—Rajat is history, as I told PDG, and why, AS even said that their main propagandist at Times Cow is “kachra” (I told PDG that too). They’re all kachra, dirty filthy rubbish, compared to me.  Yes Sir, I’m their main man. I’m a national asset. I said, national asset, not national ass, do you hear me?

This is my plan to hit back at the “Lootyens” gang: I will blame Pakistan, the INC and Rahul Gandhi. I will rename the “Lootyens” gang RG Groupies and organise armies of trolls to trash them online (must check if Minhaz is free). Like I lied about my TRPs, I will also lie shamelessly about the support I’m getting.

Finally, I am not sorry about anything I “purportedly” (ha ha) said to PDG. So, what if RG Groupies say I displayed unpatriotic glee over our dead soldiers in Pulwama and that I broke the Official Secrets Act over Balakot—what are NM and AS for?

This attack too I will win like crazy!

(Any resemblance to real people or events is a coincidence)