Reality Bites: The real problem before the nation is Rahul Gandhi

It’s raining sales! If India’s economy hadn’t been ruined by the Supreme Leader long before the COVID-19 pandemic hit us and made it worse, I would have shopped till the courier-man dropped dead with fatigue. You have no idea how traumatic it is to delete emails offering me my favourite brands at “flat” (not that sneaky “up to”) 70 % off.

My financial situation has to improve, and for that to happen I have to emulate India’s wise media and public intellectuals: pack up my spine in a coffin-shaped box, gift-wrap it and send it to the BJP HQ. In short, I have to stop criticising the shockingly inept, brazenly corrupt, and revoltingly bigoted party. No more outrage over the frequent lynchings, the proliferation of hatred, the Rafale scam, the scandalous PM Cares fund, the shoddy treatment of migrants, the strange silence on China’s border transgressions, and more.

That alone is not enough. Taking a tip from a certain public intellectual (I find him a bit odd, so I call him the Rum One), I must strain my brain to find something nice to say about the Supreme Leader too. I was deeply impressed when the Rum One gushed that the supreme leader at least was self-made. This, evidently, gives him a free pass.

However, even this is not enough for me to get more assignments from media houses (they were the first to courier their spines). I absolutely have to write an article a day attacking Rahul Gandhi. Also, if a mike is thrust at me at, say, a meeting at a philatelic society, instead of holding forth on stamps I must talk about the problem with Rahul Gandhi (this is another hot tip I got from the Rum One). If I am introduced to someone at a party, I must immediately whine about Rahul Gandhi. You get my drift?

Hundreds of articles are churned out daily, and they all say the exact same thing. It reminds me of a song from the ‘Sound of Music’—I can see creaky editors and stuffy public intellectuals dancing and singing, “How do you solve a problem like Rahul Gandhi,”—it’s that ridiculous!

Since I have to jump on this bandwagon to make my millions, I’m kicking it off by quoting Ranjona (disclosure: Ranjona and I have been best friends since school). Last week on Twitter, she astutely pointed out what the biggest problem with Rahul Gandhi is: “Judging from what I’ve seen and heard, all RG needs to do is invite a bunch of Delhi influentials over to his house regularly, and serve them single malt and kebobs. Watch how the conversation changes...”

She’s quite right. Remember the tributes that poured in for Arun Jaitley from moist-eyed journalists on TV? All of them spoke about how generous he was in feeding them till they burst with gratitude. It makes no difference how much money Delhi’s journalists earn, it seems— free food and alcohol is what win their hearts.

Jaitley seasoned his offerings of kebabs and alcohol with gossip, and how they loved him for it! Thanks to that, many turned their columns into a colourful and political Neeta’s Natter! Keeping this in mind, Rahul Gandhi should, as Ranjona cheekily says, invite influencers for cocktails frequently. I’d like to add that what he should not do is talk about serious things like unemployment, China’s aggression and COVID (we have seen how it makes their eyes glaze over), and regale them with water cooler gossip instead. Sleazy is best!

Please note: he should ensure that extra-absorbent paper napkins are always available at his soirées, because sometimes journalists need shoulders to cry on when their boyfriends/girlfriends/employers dump them. Other helpful things he can do is drop hints that if he were in power, they would get sinecures and other lovely things, and offer to send his personal electrician, trainer, lawyer, acupuncturist, etc, for them if they get into a spot of trouble. This works like a charm!

Right. My ‘The Problem with Rahul Gandhi’ article for today is done. Another one tomorrow, the day after, and so on and so forth till you get a nervous breakdown and pay me to stop!

(Any resemblance with real persons or events is a coincidence)