Reality Bites: Soon, only Bheja Fry will be left on the menu

There’s utter chaos in Parliament and it’s all because we have an upside-down government in power. Think of it as a bat hanging on a branch, and spreading a nasty virus that attacks democracy. Do keep in mind that an upside-down government is extremely dangerous because, well, you know where its brains are.

Here’s one example of the government’s odd behaviour: It refuses to admit that it invaded the smartphones of Indian citizens with Pegasus spyware, and remotely turned on their cameras and microphones 24x7. Since it loves watching and listening to members of the Opposition so much, why on earth doesn’t it do that in Parliament instead?

But no, the upside-down government has ensured that cameras do not cover the Opposition benches during live proceedings. And when Opposition members representing over 60 percent of Indian citizens try to speak, their microphones are switched off!

Then there’s that curious matter of the upside-down government cutting the sports budget by Rs 230.78 crore in 2021, the Olympic year. However, these stingy people are greedily appropriating the glory that Indian sportspersons have achieved in Tokyo. Its ministers are tweeting furiously about it, mainly giving credit to the Dear Old Geezer.

Most horrifying of all, the nation is frequently assaulted with videos and photographs of the Dear Old Geezer watching Olympics on the TV, all alone in a big conference room (apart from dozens of cameramen, of course). Why does he want us to watch him watching television? He wants to be a goldfish?

Indian news channels have evidently been given stern instructions for interviews with winners too. The Dear Old Geezer must be mentioned, or else. Leading questions like, “Did the Dear Old Geezer’s wishes inspire you to win” have been rammed into the interviews. How come those who didn’t bring back medals weren’t asked if the Dear Old Geezer’s wishes inspired them to lose? Considering that we have more losers than winners, fat lot of good his wishes were!

The Telegraph India summed up the Dear Old Geezer’s ridiculous Olympic circus with three photographs. The first showed two members of the Indian hockey team, the second was of wrestler Ravi Dahiya, the third was of the Dear Old Geezer wagging his finger. The captions below read: “Bronze in hockey…silver in wrestling…and gold in lack of grace.”

Part of me is glad that India mainly got bronze medals. If they were gold, I bet Shahzada Jay would be the head of India’s next Olympic committee. That will definitely frighten sportspeople into giving up their morning jogs, and they will be terribly out of shape, just like Shahzada Jay’s daddy!

There’s another thing about this upside-down government that makes me feel ill. When Indian women bagged medals, the government wittered on about “India’s daughters”. Yet, when India’s daughters are raped and/or murdered, they are silent. And when it’s their own people who have raped and/or murdered India’s daughters, they protect their criminals, not India’s daughters. Remember Unnao, Kathua and Hathras?

A few days ago, a nine-year-old girl was raped, murdered and forcibly cremated in New Delhi, but the Dear Old Geezer has not said a word. Nor has the country’s home minister. I would love to say that they did not speak because they were choked with emotion, but sadly that’s not true. The only time they showed any emotion was when Congress leader Rahul Gandhi went to console the little girl’s family.

How dare he make them look like the hard-hearted ogres they are? Why were photographs of Gandhi hugging the grieving family displayed in the media? The Dear Old Geezer tore himself away from his reflection in his hand mirror, summoned his ministers to bow and kiss his hand, and instructions were given to file FIRs against Gandhi on some silly pretext.

When TMC leader Derek O’Brien revealed that this government “bulldozed 22 Bills in 8 days at an average time of UNDER 10 MINUTES per Bill”, and likened the hasty process to making papri chaat, the Dear Old Geezer took offence at the “papri chaat” analogy, and a minister was appointed to attack O’Brien with a fish curry remark. Gawd. If India doesn’t get rid of this upside-down government soon, only Bheja Fry will be left on the menu.

(Any resemblance with real events or people is a coincidence)