Reality Bites: Naughty EVM’s and their midnight drive with suitors

From what we have seen in India so far, every time there is an election, we have weeks of Valentine’s Day, even though the Sangh Parivar’s very own Bajrang Dal hates Valentine’s Day. But these Valentine’s Days are not only allowed, they are warmly welcomed because the EVMs love the BJP. They love the BJP so much that they outdo even the andh bhakts in their passion.

What, do you think machines don’t have feelings? Really? Remember the bus that was “injured” during the anti-CAA protests in Delhi? The bus that made tender-hearted BJP supporters weep and shriek “Bus Lives Matter”? Well then, you must acknowledge that EVMs have feelings too. We know for a fact that they are wooed by many parties, but only the BJP takes them on long, romantic midnight drives, see? And no other party splashes so much money on them, or bothers to sneak them into hotels to give them a taste of the good life.

That, people, is why EVMs are more loyal to the BJP than to other parties. That and only that is why very often, no matter which buttons are pressed, the votes seem to go to the BJP. Do note that since 2014, not a single EVM has voted for any other party “by mistake”. And you thought only dogs were faithful, hah!

During the current assembly elections, we have seen many EVMs willingly aid the BJP. So many of them in West Bengal and Assam thus far. Why, a few days ago, after a long polling day at Assam’s Barak Valley, an EVM jumped into a private car belonging to a BJP candidate. It is absolutely unfair to blame the Election Commission for this. See, the EC’s car had allegedly broken down, it took ages for an official replacement car to arrive, the poor EVM was tired, hot, and sweaty, and it rather fancied a bit of wooing and pampering.

It’s just too bad for the naughty EVM that jealous suitors from other parties saw it sneaking into the BJP candidate’s car and created a ruckus. It’s probably still weeping into its pillow that it was caught and sent to the dull institutional strong room instead of a nice hotel.

Instead of giving them a medal for protecting democracy, an FIR has been lodged against the alert “unknown persons” who attacked the BJP candidate’s car—in this time of love jihad in New India, it’s very wicked to point out that an EVM tried to elope with a BJP candidate, isn’t it? Why, the EVM could be jailed! And the poor, lovelorn BJP candidate would be left weeping and beating his breast and imploring Kamadeva to bring back his beloved.

As for the four sweet and innocent poll officials who accompanied that wayward EVM, the poor things said that they only realised that they had jumped into a BJP car after the mob pointed it out. The large-hearted EC has decided to give them the benefit of doubt, so they have merely been suspended. Before we know it, they will possibly be back on duty, innocently climbing into the wrong cars in other states.

Congress Leader Priyanka Gandhi Vadra shot off a series of tweets after the EVM’s naughty adventure: “Every time there is an election videos of private vehicles caught transporting EVMs show up. Unsurprisingly they have the following things in common:

1. The vehicles usually belong to BJP candidates or their associates.

2. The videos are taken as one-off incidents and dismissed as aberrations.

3. The BJP uses its media machinery to accuse those who exposed the videos as sore losers.

The fact is that too many such incidents are being reported and nothing is being done about them.”

If cold, hard EVMs can fall madly in love with the BJP, see how much easier it is for warm, soft humans to adore them to bits too? Which is why so many people from rival parties join the BJP before elections, during elections, and even after elections. Don’t be quick to judge them or call them mercenaries—someday, you too may want to hang out with fantastically wealthy people who spoil you rotten!

Admittedly, there are also hard-hearted people who find it impossible to love the BJP, but then what are IT raids for?

(Any resemblance to real people or events is a coincidence)