Reality Bites: Circus days are here again

The Cabinet Reshuffle Circus played on national TV for a few days to distract the nation from the death of Fr Stan Swamy while in custody. The Biden administration momentarily cut through the hysteria when it expressed its regrets for the death and said human rights activists must be respected. This must have made No.1 lock himself in his bathroom and cry. Not for Stan Swamy, but for himself. He’s been hoping that “Bhai-den” will invite him to Merrika this year and become his best friend.

I didn’t watch the circus because I do have better things to do with my time. Besides, any fool (apart from news anchors and panelists) knows that the new cabinet will be as befuddled as before because BJP ministers get strict instructions from No.1 and No. 2, who are not bright. Sly, yes—bright, no.

I did follow it on Twitter though, so here’s my take: Let’s start with the concept, because No.1 adores concepts. We were repeatedly informed that the collective age of the cabinet would be the youngest ever. All of a sudden though, this concept became an afterthought. Perhaps this was because No.1 wanted to do the math and was gently dissuaded by his subordinates (keeping his staggeringly foolish “2ab" algebraic formula on the India-Canada relationship in mind). So now we have a collective age of 58—pretty much “Sit down Uncle,” no?

We were also told that some of the new ministers would (gasp) have degrees from prestigious universities, like that was extremely rare. Also, we know what happens to people with fancy degrees who work with the BJP: remember Raghuram Rajan and Arvind Subramanian? A few days later, we discovered that one of the new ministers has a “controversial” degree (insert a Cheshire Cat smirk here). Fake degrees are something we have learnt to take for granted from No.1’s government, and if he was honest, he would have made this his cabinet reshuffle concept: the cabinet with the highest number of fake degrees ever.

WhatI enjoyed most was a photograph of No.1 looking like a creature out of Tolkien while addressing the newbies: a potato-like gnome with long unkempt hair, a frizzy beard that grows horizontally too, and a bald patch as big as a dinner plate. Hello, can’t he afford hair conditioners?

Now a bit on a few ministers: Hardeep Singh Puri was rewarded for destroying a chunk of Delhi’s heritage and replacing it with the tacky Central Vista project. In addition, he has been one of the BJP IT Cell’s best performing troll ministers, which is probably why he got the Petroleum ministry. Tweet in anguish about the astronomical prices of petrol and diesel, and Puri will jump up and probably order every petrol pump in the nation to stop giving you fuel for six months. That’s his thing—ask Kunal Kamra if you don’t believe me.

Piyush Goyal makes me laugh the most. From losing trains, he’s lost the entire Railway portfolio! He gained other things like textiles though, and I’m now waiting for all the spinning wheels in India to vanish into the Bermuda Triangle.

Of all the ministers who lost their portfolios, I feel sorriest for the former Health Minister. We thought Harsh Vardhan was just being his usual sycophantic self when he repeatedly assured us that No.1 was closely monitoring Covid (he even wore it on a tee!), but he was actually crying for help and warning us that he wasn’t allowed to do his job! He knew he would be the fall guy to make irresponsible No.1 look good, tut.

I’m going to miss Ravi Shankar Prasad the most. I enjoyed watching him flaring his nostrils and shouting at Twitter with a halo of spittle floating over his head. He has been replaced with a chap who has been described as a wunderkind: Ashwini Vaishnaw. Fat lot of difference, though: On Day One, Vaishnaw regurgitated Prasad’s Twitter diatribe. On Day Two, No.1 exhorted the new ministers to seek the guidance of those who have been removed. So really, it’s only a matter of time before Vaishnaw flares his nostrils and screams too.

In short, the cabinet reshuffle amounts to nothing more than No.1 creating scapegoats for his own failings. That’s the real concept. Baaaaa.

(Any resemblance with real events or people is a coincidence)