Reality Bites:  BJP chief ministers snoop to conquer top spots in the chart of ‘best’ chief ministers’ 

The Parivar that plays together, stays together. Keeping that in mind, the BJP’s mummy (the RSS) appears to have kicked off a fun contest for chief ministers in BJP misruled states. The winner will be the chief minister who persecutes Muslims, Dalits, Christians and Hindu women in the most cruel and relentless manner possible. I assume that the Winner’s Cup is extra special because it’s probably made from traces of gold found in desi cow milk. Yeah, that yellow stuff that just looks like streaks of stinky gunk to ignorant, non-Sanghi people like me. RSS discovered gold in cow milk but I’m wondering why gold prospectors are not rushing to India to make their fortune. Seriously, why?

For a long time, the front runner was the Uttar Pradesh CM— his vigilante groups have done the most unspeakable things ever. Currently, they assault Hindu-Muslim couples, get the Muslim men arrested and in many cases, force the traumatised Hindu women to marry their gang members at gun point. The gun is vital because Hindutva goons are not remotely attractive people. I suspect they also have bad breath, dandruff, toe-jam, acne, open pores and other disgusting things that put people off, according to TV commercials.

While we thought that the UP CM would be the undisputed winner, we cannot take it for granted anymore. Shivraj Singh Chouhan, the chief minister of Madhya Pradesh, has emerged as a strong contender. This has shocked our gullible journalists who saw Chouhan as a secular man because he was equally violent to people of all faiths during his infamous Vyapam scam—all those mysterious deaths, shudder.

Chouhan is not just playing that nasty “love Jihad” game, he also wants his administration to stalk every working woman in MP. He has proposed that women can register themselves at a local police station to be tracked for their safety. This is like the Gujarat model on a large scale: remember, a working woman was stalked 24x7 a few years ago at the behest of the Dear Leader? The only difference is that this particular working woman had not signed up for it. I suspect working women in MP won’t sign up for stalking either, but their interfering mummies and daddies may do it to find out who they are dating.

While the RSS is busy planning games for its boys, let’s take a brief look at what the bovine mummy is up to. She’s doing her bit for the Dear Leader’s Swachh Bharat Abhiyan by eating discarded plastic packets and other garbage on the streets. It always makes her eyes turn moist when her son gets awards from cynical Bill Gates—yet another opportunity to make the global community forget about his nasty past. She is also getting laxatives daily so she can generate enough waste matter to create a new brand of paint made of cow dung. Vedic paints will be launched soon by union minister Gadkari. I doubt he will wear a mask or a clothes peg on his nose when he visits the factory, because Hindutvadis feel completely at home with bullshit. Who can forget the Dear Leader lovingly holding a glob of elephant dung in his hands and inhaling its rich aroma on a Discovery channel show?

Now on to other things: What’s up with WhatsApp? Rumblings of unease began in India long before the company changed its privacy policy. Navika Bimar of Cows Now horrified us by reading out private chats of private citizens on national television. I saw a clip and felt violated. Let me not mince my words: It was like watching a pervert sneakily rummaging through someone else’s underwear drawer. I quit WhatsApp soon after.

Now everyone appears to be dumping WhatsApp for Signal. Brian Acton of Signal was interviewed on a news channel, and, of course, in India’s how-do-you-eat-mangoes era, the interviewer did not ask vitally important questions like these: 1. Will Signal be as partisan as Facebook, WhatsApp and Twitter, and hire BJP agents as their top managers in India? If yes, expect Navika Bimar to continue to do her creepy thing. 2. The BJP has already snooped on us via WhatsApp using military-grade spyware. Is Signal strong and alert enough to protect us?

Check this space to find out.

(Any resemblance to real people and events is a coincidence)