Reality Bites: Biplab’s fan club

The first PM of independent and secular India, Jawaharlal Nehru, was affectionately called Chacha Nehru. The first PM of authoritarian and majoritarian India will be referred to as Chanda Mama in just a matter of time. When his supporters run out of coins for his new planes, new government buildings, new houses, new cowsheds, new funds, new temples, new peacocks, etc, they may not think fondly of him at all.

I thought only lesser mortals like us were being threatened to make donations towards “that” temple, but it turns out that a former CM of Karnataka, HD Kumaraswamy, got three unpleasant visitors after he had refused to cough up: "Who is giving the information? Where is the transparency? Several street people are collecting donations by threatening many. I’m also a victim,” he said.

If you do not wish to donate either, peep through your spy hole whenever your doorbell rings or you may find Komal Sharma on the other side of the door, armed with her favourite iron rod.

I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before the BJP government proclaims that not donating towards the temple is an act of sedition, and you could be arrested under UAPA, even if you’re only three years old and refuse to part with your free plastic Johnson & Johnson Baby Powder piggy bank.

You could be charged with sedition for almost anything these days, even helping to organise a normal Twitter storm. Do not be surprised if the budget plans for roads, bridges, etc are scrapped soon, because jails are the new infrastructure. Who knows, even dear old Dolanji may be invited to bid for the construction of jails along with the usual bunch of cronies.

So please do not believe those frequent Godi Media polls that project the Dear Leader as the most popular leader ever. Get real—if he was that popular, would his government keep trying to topple elected governments in other states by buying MLAs from other parties?

Also, a man who calls groups of citizens terrorists, parasites and other names almost daily is not remotely loveable. After the arrest of young climate activist Disha Ravi, even mummies and daddies who once adored his “strongman” tactics are rather distressed. They have finally discovered what German pastor Martin Niemöller (once a Hitler supporter) realised to his horror. He spoke for none of the victims of Nazi atrocities, and “Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.”

By the way, the Dear Leader is not even the most popular member in his party! That honour goes to Biplab Deb, the CM of Tripura. After a long period of silence when we almost forgot he existed, Deb resurfaced and made us giggle helplessly—he said that Amit Shah has plans to install BJP governments in Sri Lanka and Nepal. Not a joke really, when you consider the RSS’s dreams of an Akhand Bharat—it’s high up there in their seriously seditious and terribly anti-national toolkit.

Nepal got upset, and its Foreign Affairs Minister said the government has noted the media reports and conveyed “formal objections” to the government of India. Tut. Our neighbours find Amit Shah just as annoying and intrusive as we do.

But back to Biplab Deb. He is appreciated by all, even “sickular libtards” who absolutely detest his party, because he’s delightfully foolish. His latest boo boo was when he earnestly said that “A city or place can become famous by its university”, and went on to add, “When we think about England or London, pictures of Cambridge University and Harvard University come to our mind.” We now know for sure that this charming gym jock bunked geography and GK classes.

At the end of this month, a private Indian satellite will be launched. It will carry a copy of the Bhagwad Gita and a photograph of the Dear Leader (in an astronaut costume, I guess). I’m waiting with bated breath for Deb to tell us that the BJP has plans to win elections in space too, and to make desi cows jump over the moon for a new Ayush brand of Intergalactic lassi that will cure piles or some such rubbish. Move over little green men, your time is over! Little orange men with pathetically small minds are taking over.

(Any resemblance with real people or events is a coincidence)

(Views expressed are that of the author and not of the National Herald)