Reality Bites: A list of complaints for the UN

I’ve had several issues with the United Nations for a long while. When I look at human rights violations that continue to happen in member states (particularly India, since that hurts me the most) I wish it had teeth or dentures at least. Even the most horrific violations attract only mild admonishments, and it must stop behaving like an exasperated mother who occasionally looks up from her smartphone and shouts, “Donny stop torturing that helpless kitten—it has as much right to live here as you!” and gets back to Twitter.

My latest complaint is about that gigantic green marble desk that sits just behind the lectern at its headquarters in New York. I thought the Dear Leader was merely rehearsing his United Nations General Assembly (UNGA) speech in his hotel bathroom when we were shown close up shots of him with green-veined marble in the backdrop, and was startled when I discovered that it was the live event.

I barely heard a word he said (I’ve been told I missed nothing but Deepak Chopra and Sadh Guru gibberish) because I was distracted—I kept looking for gold-plated shower heads and taps!

If those bathroom-like background close ups were bad enough, when the cameras pulled back we saw just a smattering of people in the audience. A truly holy cow moment because a few days earlier Indian news channels had breathlessly told us that, according to a very important Indian envoy, most world leaders were particularly looking forward to the Dear Leader’s speech.

His supporters had delicious visions of people packed like sardines in the hall. The envoy who told the nation this porkie is now probably hiding in the Bermuda Triangle to escape “UNGA mein ungli” jibes on social media.

The External Affairs Minister, Dr Jaishankar, appears to be losing his touch, tut. In happier times, he would have quickly rustled up free snacks and dragged passers-by off the streets to make the Dear Leader look popular.

Back at home, however, the Dear Leader’s WhatsApp University team shook off their sulks in a jiffy and did their usual thing. They created a full pager of the Dear Leader with a fake New York Times masthead, and wrote a heart-warming headline in their cringe-inducing “India shining” English: “LAST, BEST HOPE OF EARTH,” and went on to add, “WORLD’S MOST LOVED AND MOST POWERFUL LEADER, IS HERE TO BLESS US.”

The New York Times did not take this lying down and tweeted, “This is a completely fabricated image, one of many in circulation featuring Prime Minister Modi,” but of course the damage had already been done and many of the Dear Leader’s supporters actually believe that their hero featured on the front page of New York Times. Their hearts are bursting with pride.

It did not stop there. The Hill, a well-known digital media company based in Washington, D.C., carried the story of the fake NYT front page too, so now every politician in D.C. knows about the Dear Leader’s cute little tricks. Not that it matters a jot to him, we’re well aware that he finds it extremely easy to live with lies.

So yes, this was a much nicer week for him than the one he spent in the US, and the icing on the cake was yet another potential entry for India in the Book of World Records for a terrific feat that was inspired by him. The India Cable reported that the Bharat Bandh called by farmers in September led to the world’s biggest farmers’ stir!

The Samyukta Kisan Morcha said it received an "unprecedented and historic" response from more than 23 states. I’m terribly shocked that the Dear Leader’s WhatsApp University team, his ministers and his media houses haven’t tom-tommed this record-breaking event yet.

Perhaps no one told them, so it is our duty as responsible citizens to tag @PMOIndia on Twitter and spread the fabulous news! We know how much the Dear Leader loves words like first, biggest strongest, tallest, largest, bestest, etc.

Meanwhile, I do hope the UN changes that bathroomish marble desk to a nice mahogany one, but I doubt their chaps will listen to me. I’ve tagged them ever so often on human rights violations and not received a single word of reassurance in reply. Bah.

(Any resemblance to real people and events is coincidence)