Reality Bites: A day in the life of a hard-working leader

We’ve been told repeatedly by the media that the Dear Leader works very hard. Working hard at what exactly, is what I want to know—I’ve had quite enough of the media throwing airy statements around to get more government ads for themselves. Since they won’t tell us, I have decided to plot a day in the life of our allegedly hard-working Dear Leader.

Note: My data is based on his frequent appearances on Indian news channels. It was pointless to ask the PMO or send an RTI application, because the government has already announced that it doesn’t have data on anything apart from the number of imaginary Covid cases they prevented during the lockdown.

The Dear Leader’s Daily Diary:

6 am: Blasted alarm! Have lost count of the number of times I’ve told my boy that I do not have to practise yoga till a week before International Yoga Day, but he refuses to listen. Doesn’t the conscientious idiot know that my trademark yoga pose is lying on a rock with my eyes shut? I can practice that while I’m asleep, so there!

7am: Did my morning puja. I like all my gods, but I always put the freshest, prettiest marigold garlands on Bhagwan Dolan’s picture. He totally admires the way I govern and asks me for tips on how to tame the media, spread lies about political rivals, etc. He will be special to me forever even if that Osama-Obama chap’s VP becomes president. I may even console Dolan by asking him to build my new official residence—I already have the design in mind: a replica of the White House, because I’m worth it.

8 am: My beard-stylist has created yet another new look for me, hooray! Must inform the media that I will address the nation on a dead serious issue so I can show it off! I’ll say the usual rubbish, of course: economic green shoots, how I saved lives during the Covid lockdown, etc. My supporters are so dumb, they buy everything I say. As for my critics, like, who cares? They will be in jail sooner than later! Must tell A to hurry it up.

9 am: Was served some rubbish for breakfast. I summoned the cook and blasted him for not giving me my special mushrooms. The cheeky man said it was all my fault that he had run out of them: the lockdown and migrant crisis had disrupted supplies for months. Must get A to deal with him. UAPA, no less!

10 am: Long bath with French luxury products. I never touch that baba’s tacky stuff. Arrey baba, we are nice to him only because he gives us the amount of “chanda” we want.

11am: Did my usual morning walk: a brisk trot in my walk-in closets to choose my outfit and headgear. I have a very important meeting on the terrible economic situation at noon.

12 pm: Started my meeting: A discussion with parrots on how to kickstart the economy. It was extremely enlightening and I was gratified to note that the parrots approved of everything I said. I know this because they cocked their heads in a deferential manner and repeated my suggestions word for word. Parrots are much smarter than peacocks—those bird-brains screeched indignantly when I tried to discuss my economic policies with them. They sounded just like Congress party members! Must get A to deal with peacocks too. This national bird title must be revoked, and culling must begin.

2 pm: Lunch. Still no special mushrooms! The slime-ball cook tried to pass off cheap button mushrooms as my special stuff. Called A and gave him the cook’s phone number.

3-6 pm: My body-beautiful hours. I cannot possibly look like a brown wrinkled walnut if I have to meet foreign leaders. Instead of whining, tax-payers should be grateful that I use their money to improve the country’s image!

7 pm: Shopped for designer accessories on foreign websites. I won’t have to pay that ridiculously hefty duty unlike my poor subjects, ha ha.

8 pm: Addressed the nation. Called the IT cell head immediately after I finished and ordered him to disable YouTube dislikes asap.

9 pm: Oh wonderful! My special mushrooms were served for dinner by a new cook. Must thank A.

(Any resemblance with real people or events is a coincidence)