New Delhi recreates the ‘Western’, guns and goons sans the cowboy and horses

For over five years, citizens of India have felt like babies abandoned on the steps of orphanages and/or inside garbage cans, without tear-stained accompanying letters like, “Her name is Pinky. She loves it when her tummy is tickled. Please look after her well.”

No one cares about us, and no one wants to listen to us. The BJP government is on the war path, mainstream media is enthusiastically playing BJP cheerleader (rumour has it that a star anchor waxes his arms for the role), the Supreme Court has shown supreme indifference to our plight, and the Opposition (what’s left of it) appears to have been hit on the back of its head with a bludgeon. Note: it wasn’t the butler who did it, it was probably the Union Home Minister, a chap you wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley.or on a morning walk Also, his favourite past time is a childish game called ‘I Spy’. He’s been playing it since a former Chief Minister asked him to spy on a young woman, and now he’s addicted. It’s terminal, I’m afraid.

Citizens then turned to each other for comfort, and an amorphous movement against the discriminatory CAA and other cruel laws was born. There have been protests across the nation for weeks now, and the BJP doesn’t like it. Citizens are meant to be seen and not heard, is their mantra, and so they got their goons to start pro-CAA rallies where they chanted slogans like, “Desh ke gaddaro ko, goli maaro saalo ko!” Translation: Shoot the *#*!! traitors.

This bloodthirsty slogan was music to the Home Minister’s ears. In fact, it was probably he who urged another minister to chant it at an election rally in Delhi. He smiled sweetly through the lusty cries, then took the mike and sanctimoniously said some rubbish like it is not in our culture to even slap people. A lovely example of nudge nudge wink wink, considering that he had just given a ticket to a weirdo called Bagga who had slapped lawyer Prashant Bhushan a few years ago.

What did the Election Commission do about it? They dutifully plugged their fingers in their ears and loudly sang, “La la la la la, I can’t hear you, LA LA LA LA LA.” This was followed by a gentle rap on the knuckles.

So naturally with all that encouragement from the BJP, a gun shot rang out at Jamia Millia Islamia, where protestors were gathered. A student, Shadab Farooq, was wounded (fortunately not fatally). The gunman looked just like a former chief minister and current heckler would have looked in his mid-twenties.

However, the BJP’s favourite news agency, MNI ( Modi News International), hastily manufactured a mark-sheet for him to prove that he was a minor —to ensure that he doesn’t spend quality time in jail. Hasty jobs always leave tell-tale signs, and from what we have heard, it would not stand up in a court of law in a democratic nation (unless the democratic nation happened to be Modi’s weird new India, of course).

A couple of days after the Jamia incident, gun shots rang out yet again, this time at Shaheen Bagh, site of the longest running anti-CAA protest in Delhi. The nation is in deep shock because MNI didn’t immediately produce a fake mark-sheet for gunman Kapil Gujjar. They’re probably trying to do a better job after all that criticism.

And now I’m wondering what exactly the Ministry of External Affairs is saying to bemused ambassadors of foreign nations in Delhi. My bet is Dr S Jaishankar has translated “Desh ke gaddaro ko, goli maaro saalo ko” to mean “India is the world’s largest democracy with an independent judiciary.”

I can hear him snapping “Shooting citizens is an internal matter” at those ambassadors who got the correct translation from their chatty drivers. Not that I have much hope from foreign nations. My heart sank to my toes when I heard outgoing British High Commissioner Dominic Asquith on NDTV. He was rather tight-lipped on contentious issues like CAA and Kashmir and frequently parroted Jaishankar’s lies/lines (same difference).

Perhaps he will be more candid after he leaves India? Remember, there is always the fear that dictatorial Civil Aviation Minister Hardeep Singh Puri may order all airlines to ban him from flying for 6 months.