Lock Kia Jaye: 8 pm is now officially ‘Rahu Kalam’ and ‘Sadism’part of police training

A nationwide lockdown for the rich and the middle class is a time for them to ration stocks of cigarettes/chocolates/alcohol/ and whatever else rocks their boat, and, equally important, for quiet reflection. Twitter has thrown up many issues that deserve a spot of cogitation.

Like, is 8 PM now officially Rahu Kalam (the most inauspicious time of the day)? Odd, isn’t it, that Emperor Zero always picks that time to unleash havoc on the nation? And why does the ban on whatever he feels like banning start from midnight, the witching hour? I do hope India’s astrologers throw up some answers.

Why are suit-boot Sanghis who embrace the consumption of cow urine and dung in India going “Ew!Ew!Ew!” over the fact that bat soup is a delicacy in China? Would they perhaps stop going “Ew!” if the Chinese consumed bat urine and droppings instead? Perhaps Rahul Kanwal of India Today TV can answer this question.

Why did Emperor Zero give Indians a few days to prepare for a thaali gang bang, and only four hours to prepare for a nationwide lockdown? Did he want his suit-boot fans to spend quality time in beauty parlours, and shop around for something nice to wear so they could look good in their thaali banging selfies? That balcony touch was interesting—he wanted people to play Juliet to his inner-Romeo.

Why is Amit Shah, the nation’s big fat demolition ball, in hiding? There’s a lot of wishful thinking going around, and I’m afraid that will only lead to heartbreak.

Why has Emperor Zero launched a new fund called PM CARES Fund to tackle corona virus when PM Relief Fund already exists? Is it because the word “relief” is too difficult and Tharoorian for his simple mind to grasp, or is he up to his usual PR messaging game? Also, why is the word “CARES” merely in capital letters and not underlined, bold and in italics? I’m shocked that he’s showing restraint—hello, is he ill?

Why did the BJP’s Prakash Javadekar post a selfie of himself relaxing on a sofa with the idiotic question, “I am watching ‘Ramayana’, are you?” Was he ordered to by Emperor Zero? Fortunately, the Twitterati shamed him into deleting his insensitive tweet by sternly reminding him that a lot of Indians were out on the streets walking to their villages, and didn’t have the luxury of watching TV.

My question is, did we shame him enough? Shouldn’t we tag him in posts that say (for example), “I’m reading Fyodor Dostoevsky’s ‘The Idiot’, are you?” It’s about time we educated him, anyway.

Why is Emperor Zero not giving up his plan to destroy one of Delhi’s heritage spots to build a fancy new home and office that costs 20,000 Cr for himself? Shockingly, that’s 5 Cr more than the pathetic relief package he reluctantly offered the nation!

He expects us to make sacrifices, while he himself makes none. Shouldn’t we change the name of the fund to PM DOES NOT CARE Fund? Also (and I really want to know this) will his new bungalow have cowsheds, a tailoring unit and a resident dermatologist too?

Is Sadism 101 a special subject in India’s police academies?

For the last few months, we have witnessed the police beating citizens black and blue and humiliating them—particularly students and the poor. Do our cops also make their children crawl, do the duck walk and frog march as punishment?

And what do we do with netas like Nand Kishor Gurjar (BJP MLA from Ghaziabad) who has announced a cash reward of Rs. 5100 to cops who shoot violators of the lockdown?

Goli maaro, right?

Why did Union Health Minister Dr Harshvardhan ignore all the warnings of impending doom? Never forget that his poor judgement got all of us locked up! Vidya Krishnan, a health and science journalist with Caravan magazine, pointed out that the government finally prohibited the export of respiratory apparatuses and breathing devices on the 24th of March! Did Dr Harshvardhan imagine that gau mutra would do the trick? If he was the last doctor left on earth, I’d definitely see a vet instead, thank you.

Finally, why are non-BJP states handling the outbreak better than BJP states? I suggest you stop watching the Ramayan on TV and start thinking.