Parrikar and the Unsolved Mysteries

Hot, burning tears made courtyard wells overflow as Manohar Parrikar resigned as Defence Minister and turned up like a bad penny in Goa to be chief minister again (without revealing how many good pennies he gave to small parties and independents to form the government, of course). A newspaper in Goa politely said, "The people of Goa have said “please leave”. The BJP should honour it." The voters were less polite. "It is a legally legitimate but morally illegitimate government," lawyer and political commentator Cleofato Almeida Coutinho said to Scroll.in. “You are manipulating the mandate, distorting it and making a fraud of the mandate."

Poor, poor Parrikar. His only consolation is that the rest of India will miss him. He is the wonderful gentleman who made students lose their fear of tough IIT entrance exams: ‘Hello, if he could get in, so can we,’ they scoff. Mummies and daddies of wannabe brides adore him to bits since he has brought the dowry rate for IIT grooms down to the same level as B.Com Pass on matrimonial sites.

What I will certainly miss are his bumbling antics as Defence Minister, where he came across as a charming cross between Inspector Clouseau (Pink Panther) and Austin Powers.  These antics absolutely must go down in history! Some people from IIT write books, and some IIT people have books written about them. May I present a series called Parrikar and the Unsolved Mysteries? Here are just a few titles:

1. Parrikar and the Terror Boat that Blew Up in his Face

(Was it a boat manned by terrorists or smugglers? We still don’t know!)

2. Parrikar Counts, Recounts & Recounts Terrorists in Pathankot

(We still don’t know how many terrorists there were.)

3. Parrikar and the Suspicious Hot Air Balloon

(No, this is not about his interactions with the Dear Leader. It’s about a red and white striped hot air balloon that flew over Gurgaon and Delhi and made Parrikar shiver in his sandals. We still don’t know if it was spying on us.)

4. Parrikar and the Spy that Pooped on him

(Who can forget the time a pigeon was arrested on the grounds that it may have been a Pakistani spy?)

5. Parrikar Teaches Pakistan a Lesson–in Hindu Mythology

(This is just after the alleged surgical strike when Parrikar stormily informed the ISI that Indian soldiers were like Hanuman. Don’t laugh, it probably ensured that the ISI suspended plotting and planning for 5 whole minutes while they Google-searched Hanuman.)

These series is going to be a bestseller—I can feel it in my bones! Thank you so much for all the lovely material, Mr Parrikar. We hope to have you as Defence Minister again.

Rupa Gulab is a columnist and author.

Disclaimer: If it's not clear, this is a piece of satire.