Reality Bites: The truth about Bulldogs & Pomeranians

During India’s freedom movement, the RSS stayed fiercely loyal to the British and even prohibited its members from participating in the fight for freedom—they were grudgingly permitted to participate as individuals if they wished, but never as responsible members of the organisation.

I have read several reasons for their treachery, but none have left me feeling satisfied. I think it would be far more honest to say that they didn’t think the British would be defeated, so they may as well butter them up, get fabulous favours in return, and lord it over other Indians, yay!

My pet theory is, the RSS saw white people as their long-lost brothers—after all, they too were Aryans, weren’t they, and once had blonde, auburn or brown hair with the same exciting colours of eyes as the cats in the mohalla. It was the blazing Indian sun that had tanned their skin brown—understandable, since solar topees weren’t invented when they surged into India between 2000 and 1500 BCE. Tanned skin apart, inside they were the same as Hitler, Mussolini, and on occasion, even the Marquis de Sade.

That attitude remains. Ms Bangle, who recently won a couple of awards for being the Dear Leader’s best supporting actress off screen, has a lot in common with Winston Churchill. Like the former British PM, she dismissed India’s most respected and loved freedom fighter, M.K. Gandhi, as a beggar (Churchill had called him a “Half-naked fakir”) and announced it at a Times Bow Wow event to great applause from other tanned Aryans in the audience. In fact, she went many steps further and called all of India’s freedom fighters “beggars”.

I decided to dig deeper to find out what else Ms Bangle has in common with Churchill, also known as the British Bulldog. She’s not as solid as a Bulldog, for sure. She’s more like a small annoying Pomeranian that yaps constantly and slyly nips ankles.

I consulted wagwalking.com to find out how to make her less dangerous to society, and the trick is we have tire her out to stop her from being a menace. “Training your Pom to stop biting during play is essential…If the biting continues, they could end up becoming aggressive in other scenarios and provoking a reaction from a bigger, stronger dog, which could at the very least result in expensive vet bills.”

So, to save this avatar of Churchill, we have to ensure that Ms Bangle is too exhausted to bite anything but a dhokla. More policemen than film producers are waiting to welcome her to Mumbai, so movies are out. How about we make her guard our borders with China?

The watchdogs we currently have are not doing a good job. Not a bark out of them for simply ages. Why, if the Pentagon hadn’t recently released a report that in 2020, China had built “A large 100-home civilian village inside disputed territory” between China’s Tibet Autonomous Region and India’s Arunachal Pradesh, we’d never have known! What explains the case of the curious silence of the watchdogs in the night-time? Are Chinese soldiers feeding them drug-laced scraps of meat? Bad chowkidars, very, very bad chowkidars!

Now that we know, though, our watchdogs seem to be doing precious little about it. After being pressed, a weak statement was issued by the Ministry of External Affairs, with the usual tired words like, “We object strongly, we do not accept illegal occupation of our territory or China’s claims, blah blah blah.”

God only knows what they said to China in private but going by the Dear Leader’s past, it would be on the lines of, “Excuse me please, Mr Xi, if you don’t mind, your boys are in our land. Don’t take offence sir, we are old friends who had swinging times together. By the way, Jay Shah’s papa says he’s very sorry for mentioning Aksai Chin and he will hold his ears and do 100 Murga style sit ups a day till you forgive him. Take care and lots of hugs.” Tut. Useless!

So yeah, let’s send Ms Bangle Churchill to the LAC asap. Let her yip and yap and bite Chinese soldiers till they run away. Let her be of some use to the nation for a change, and too exhausted to attack our freedom fighters.

(Any resemblance to real people or events is a coincidence)