Reality Bites: ‘Plane’ papers & Kamalaben’s pithy advice to Dear Leader

I always work while travelling. I used to do my holiday homework while on trains and planes, and in my adult life I’ve worked on many columns (including several terribly emotional articles on the Dear Leader himself) while air-borne. No one cheered, nor did the pilots make special announcements like, “Let’s hear it for Rupa Gulab in seat number 2-D. She works non-stop and is an inspiration to the nation!”

So why the Dear Leader wants us to give him a round of applause because he shuffled some papers on a flight to the US beats me. Did the media behave like foolish groupies when former prime ministers worked while travelling?

It’s crystal clear that the Dear Leader needs help. He has serious insecurity issues, which is why he thinks citizens should behave like his mummy-daddy and shout encouraging words when he carries his own umbrella or does a spot of paperwork.

I appeal to the PMO team to remind him that he’s the one who has the long white beard, not us! Also, he’s a show off, and wants us to see how grand he looks in his grand new plane purchased with a grand amount of public funds.

When he landed in the USA, India’s Ministry of External Affairs ensured that there was a bunch of NRIs waiting on the tarmac to greet him. The usual optics to show the world that the Dear Leader is very popular, and besides all it costs are a few free samosas or dhoklas to get people there. We saw them rushing towards him as he alighted, and some even grabbed his hands in case he had a few free snacks hidden in his pockets. Tsk. Shouldn’t the MEA have fed them first?

I have no idea how the Dear Leader’s meeting with global CEOs went, and I have learnt not to believe gushing reports in the media. All I know is, only about 5 were eager to meet him—perhaps the rest are now aware that the Dear Leader’s much bragged about “Eaje of doing business” is just a jumla.

Let’s not forget how his government harassed Twitter employees in India with spittle and cops flying all over the place, how his ministers frequently scream at Amazon, and how his Indian cronies always get the biggest slice of the pie.

What I did note is this: The Biden administration has made it clear that it has a special relationship with India, not with the Dear Leader. It’s not easy to forget that he broke the norms of international diplomacy when he campaigned for Biden’s political rival. He has just been downgraded from Trump’s Elvis Presley to Biden’s chorus member, and what a loud thud that was, my countrymen!

We saw that in his interaction with US Vice President Kamala Harris. The Dear Leader hoped she would treat him like a much-loved Indian uncle, and discuss pickles and ayurvedic remedies for haemorrhoids with him, but nope. She was courteous but restrained, and constantly hammered on about how democracy must be strengthened—that’s not music to his ears!

President Biden was equally courteous, but what was vastly amusing was the Dear Leader’s demeanour. He behaved like a contrite school boy. Either he was pretending that he was sorry for promoting Trump, or he was scared that Trump was watching.

Meanwhile, a quick look at what’s happening in India: I have realised that Congress Leader Rahul Gandhi has sound instincts, and if ever Himanta Biswa Sarma comes sniffing around my house, I too would rather save all the biscuits in my larder for my dog than offer them to him.

Now CM of Assam and one of the Dear Leader’s favourites, Sarma has revealed his ugly side. Protesters in Darrang were shot at. Two died, 15 were injured. Incidentally, Sarma’s brother was the SP in charge of this operation, so the “probe” ordered by the state government is just a joke.

Also, the Supreme Court apologised for the delay in setting up a panel to probe Pegasus phone hacks. Apparently, many of the eminent people they invited to the panel begged off for “personal reasons”. Fear of retribution from the State is an extremely powerful personal reason.

I don’t know about you, but Harris’s advice about strengthening democracy is ringing in my ears like alarm bells.

(Any resemblance to real people is a coincidence)