Reality Bites: Mum, mum, Mummy

The Dear Leader is happily playing pretend soldier, wearing the hired Maganlal Dresswalla outfit and all. He figures that as long as he acts as General Bombast, and as long as his supporters bray a desi version of Queen’s ‘We are the champions’ on Twitter, citizens should feel cosy and secure even though China is already in our territory.

However, it’s not Indian citizens who are reassured by his posturing, but Chinese citizens. Okay, so he may have frightened them a bit when he clambered into an Air Force plane with grim determination written on his face. But then, when he landed in Uttar Pradesh and not Arunachal Pradesh they probably burst into giggles and sang a Chinese version of ‘We are the champions’ on Weibo. Now the Chinese know for sure that our chap is scared of their chap, tut. Congress leader Rahul Gandhi’s “Surrender Modi” jibe still works.

Sometimes I wonder if Eleven Jinping plans his aggressive land grab moves according to India’s election schedule. The world is now aware that the Dear Leader is only interested in winning elections, not in defending India’s territory. Everyone also knows that he regards Indians who do not agree with him as more dangerous than Pakistan’s ISI.

Recently India’s NSA, Agent Jero Jero Jero, told a new batch of police officers that civil society is wicked and urged them to crush the people of India: “The new frontiers of war, what you call the fourth-generation warfare, is the civil society…it is the civil society, that can be subverted, that can be suborned, that can be divided, that can be manipulated, to hurt the interests of a nation.”

Turning India’s security forces into the Dear Leader’s personal attack dogs is Agent Jero Jero Jero’s thing (perhaps the only successful operation in his career). As far as he’s concerned, protestors are India’s enemies. We saw that with students during the anti-CAA movement, and farmers during their protests. He has whipped up so much hatred against protestors that a union minister’s son foolishly thought it was his national duty to run over farmers.

Fortunately, the “black” farm laws have finally been repealed (only verbally, so far). With elections in Uttar Pradesh and Punjab round the corner, the Dear Leader is terribly nervous. Eleven Jingpin must be chuckling and telling his spies, “Told ya! Keep his election schedules coming.”

It’s rather shocking that our Dear Leader continues to stay mum on China despite all the provocation. In fact, he’s mum on every single thing that matters to citizens like joblessness, high fuel prices, inflation, etc. Almost every day, newspapers across the nation carry headlines that say, “The Opposition accused the PM of being mum”. All this “mum this, mum that” has confused one of his supporters, author See Bhakt, who now believes that the Dear Leader is actually India’s mummy who forgot to thread/bleach/wax her moustache.

The poor chap burst into tears when stand-up comic Vir Das spoke about “Two Indias” in a show abroad—one wonderful, one not so wonderful. After blowing his nose into a hanky, See Bhakt sanctimoniously tweeted, “I may fight or find many faults with my mother but I won’t go criticising her in the neighbours (sic) house.”

Rational Indians poured scorn over his emotional outburst, and retired IPS officer Dr N.C. Asthana put it best when he tweeted: “Stupid to argue that one should not criticise his country because it is like a mother. Duffers, which law says that one can't do so? The law of defamation does not apply to a country.”

I’m sure these sensible reprimands made See Bhakt weep and honk like a silly goose into his hanky again. Don’t bother to feel sorry for him or buy him desi cow milk chocolates. See Bhakt certainly doesn’t feel sorry for the people India’s mummy is very mean to. Like those little Kashmiri kids who carried posters that said “Return my Baba (sic) dead body” when their innocent fathers were killed in botched up security ops, and buried in graveyards marked for terrorists.

Now if only we could persuade See Bhakt to visit Arunachal Pradesh and defend Mother India instead of India’s mummy. Who knows, he may even be inspired to write a book called ‘Half India’ while he’s there.

(Any resemblance to real people or events is a coincidence)