Reality Bites: Diyar Leader’s ‘Laterz to Mumi’

For all the criticism the Diyar Leader heaps on India’s first prime minister, Jawaharlal Nehru, it’s clear even to dimwits that the Diyar Leader yearns to be admired like him.

We noticed that recently when, in his mock battle with the Telangana chief minister, the Diyar Leader trashed KCR as a superstitious man. Fair enough. However, my jaw dropped to my toes when the Diyar Leader thumped his chest and said he was better because he believes in science (long pause for hysterical laughter)!

This is the same Diyar Leader who at the launch of a Reliance hospital in Mumbai solemnly said that “We worship Lord Ganesha. There must have been some plastic surgeon at that time who got an elephant’s head on the body of a human being and began the practice of plastic surgery.”

If that wasn’t bad enough, he added that Karna (from the Mahabharata) was a test tube baby. A few years later he made unscientific claims about how cloud cover could prevent radars from detecting planes, as well as some gibberish about gutter gas and, erm, “shucking oxygen”!

So yeah, I wouldn’t send my kids to him to learn science or logic. Wait—not even history and maths.

The Diyar Leader also wants to be known as a man of letters like Nehru, which is why ghost writers are flourishing these days. To be honest, I hadn’t paid attention to his “literary works”, till journalist and head of Amnesty India, Aakar Patel, drew my attention to a book called ‘Letters to Mother’ with a series of hilarious tweets.

With the publication of this book, the Diyar Leader was attempting to copy Nehru’s ‘Letters from a Father to his Daughter'— a collection of 30 letters sent to his 10-year-old daughter Indira in 1928.

‘Letters to Mother’ is some tripe about the Diyar Leader’s conversations with the Mother Goddess. Now, if he were truthful, those letters may have been a joy to read, like say:

Oh Mai Goddess!

Haren Pandya has ratted on me to the SIT! Give me guidance to shut him up!!!

Anyway, back to feisty Aakar Patel, who did a number on ‘Letters to Mother’ and posted a series of cheeky tweets. Here goes:

Letter to mother: 14

‘Quickly turn tv on and say how i’m looking’.

And this gem:

Letter to mother: 21

‘Have you seen my stadium’.

I’m so inspired by Patel’s tweets that I’m now eager to write a book on letters from the Diyar Leader to his real mummy, and I’m willing to do it free! Have jotted down the first few letters in my excitement:

Deer Mumi,

I have got sumbody to rite a buk on laterz frum me to yew. Pliz do not tale pipples that these laterz are fake or I will send Amit to yur hous. Understud? Tale no body—yew hav bin werned! P.S. I have sent a copy of ‘Who Killed Judge Loya’ for yur riding plesur.

***

Deer Mumi,

I buyed too pushpak vimans toady. Vun for me and vun for the President (but akshully that is mines also—I has to phool the publik becas they think I yam vary gridy).

***

Deer Mumi,

I wore a yalo sari toady. I looked very priti in it but sum bad pipples laffed and laffed on tweeter. I will send the IT, ED etc to there houses. Pipples who laff at me must go to jale or dye!

***

Deer Mumi,

The ekonomi is in trubble so I need yur halp. I yam sending clothes and make up men for yew—PR dept. sez we need a cozi foto op. I yam also sending lunch from hotel, pretend yew made it for me or else!

***

Deer Mumi,

I don’t care if you think the sari I sent yew is dowdy! Ware it or else!

PS. Hav u red ‘Who Killed Judge Loya’ yet?

***

Deer Mumi,

No, I will not send you my priti yalo sari! I will auction it and stupid pipples will think I yam nobl.

***

Deer Mumi,

Pliz send rasapee for khichri. I yam going to by-heart it and tells pipples it is my rasapee so they think I yam all round.

***

Deer Mumi,

Wot do yew mean I yam literally all round? Wot does “literally” mean? That I am literally like Nehru? Thank you Mumi, you made mai day!

(Any resemblance to real people or events is a coincidence)