Reality Bites: A Bungalow for Mr Azad

Like every Godi Media anchor who got the strict memo from PMO India, I too am weeping buckets over Ghulam Nabi Azad’s resignation letter to the Congress president. Unlike them however, my tears are not glycerine-induced.

That letter was five pages long and excruciatingly boring. It was, in short, a steroid-pumped biodata littered with excessively humble declarations of his greatness.

To paraphrase: ‘I am so marvellous, you’re throwing away the next best thing to the Kohinoor diamond’. Every now and then, Azad broke into hissy I-hate-Rahul fits.

Now, I understand perfectly well why he dislikes Rahul Gandhi. Mr Gandhi took away his favourite toys—including (quelle horreur!) his plush MP bungalow in Lutyens Delhi. So mean, no?

Fortunately for Azad, his new best friend, Dear Leader, hastily made him a beneficiary of the Pradhan Mantri Awas Yojana scheme, and he got that bungalow back, even though his annual income is over 18 lakh rupees and he owns pucca houses in other parts of the country!

Dear Leader broke the rules for him but so what—we already know that he’s heavily into favouritism.

The gift of this bungalow prompted Azad to earnestly bellow, “I thought PM Modi to be a crude man but he showed humanity”, to the nation. Of course, he pretended that his stunning discovery of Dear Leader’s never-seen-before heart was about something else altogether, because he cannot show the world how much he loves free bungalows—that would make him look bad and greedy.

Also, he evidently does not read or watch the news or else he would have known that the Gujarat government’s remission granted to convicts who had gang-raped Bilkis Bano and murdered her little daughter and other family members revealed anything but humanity.

Azad got other lovely presents as well, gift-wrapped in shiny saffron paper with huge lotus bows and promises of more, including (apparently) the chief ministership of J&K if and when elections are held there.

All he has to do is pretend to hate Dear Leader’s party and get all the political leaders Dear Leader had imprisoned in J&K on his side. That way, Dear Leader can lie to the nosy Western world that democracy is back in J&K while still oppressing the people.

While the Muftis and Abdullahs are not stupid and probably see through this plan, they will cooperate in all likelihood—sadly, there’s no room for ethics in politics. Now if only Rahul Gandhi realised that too, his party would be in a much better place today. Decent human behaviour does not win elections.

Look at West Bengal chief minister Mamata Banerjee these days—she’s gone on record solemnly saying that not everyone in the RSS is wicked and evil, hoping to get them to intervene with Dear Leader to stop harassing her family members over alleged scams.

And yes, this is the same delusional person who insists that only her party can save Indians from the RSS-BJP’s bigotry and fascism.

Dear Leader’s regime has made me re-look at a long-held belief. I foolishly used to think a world run by women would be a better, more humane place. I’m debating that belief now, thanks to Smriti Irani, Union minister for women and child development, who has nothing to say about her party letting brutal rapists and murderers loose in society.

For all we know, she may have secretly sent them fancy desserts from a certain bar and restaurant in Goa!

Then there’s Vineeta Agarwal, a BJP corporator in UP who purchased a kidnapped boy because she didn’t have a son. Never forget Seema Patra aka Cruella de Patra, the Jharkhand convener of the BJP’s ‘Beti Bachao Beti Padhao’ campaign, who tortured her Adivasi domestic help (including forcing her to lick urine off the floor) so that she, Cruella de Patra, could feel taller and even more superior. Her sadism is not a big deal for the BJP though, she’s just been suspended.

Has the nation forgotten that an Adivasi woman is now the President of India—why is she silent on these issues? Who can forget that the chants of “Masterstroke, yay!” from Godi Media drowned the voices of cynics who spoke about mere tokenism?

Dear Madam President, your time to speak is now!

(Any resemblance to real people or events is a coincidence)