Our politicians deserve a Patanjali Airlines

A fabulous idea popped into my head when Shiv Sena MP Ravindra Gaikwad threw a massive do-you-know-who-I-am tantrum on an Air India flight and later bragged to TV channels that he slapped an Air India employee 25 times with his filthy slippers.

As citizens, we have learnt the hard way that travelling with netas is injurious to our health, so how about a new airline exclusively for India’s arrogant and aggressive politicians?

Our taxes, however, shouldn’t pay for this airline. Parties get funds, surely they can use part of that money to set up this up? While we’re aware that most parties have been stripped of cash during that failed demonetisation exercise, it seems that the BJP has lots of money. So much money in fact, that they can buy over politicians from other parties when they lose elections.

Let’s see, we’re aware that the RSS-BJP gets lots of money from non-resident Indians who refuse to return to India yet still yearn for charming traditional Hindutva cultural activities like communal riots, etc. Then, we always have India’s proud nationalist business moghul Baba Ramdev. The amount of money he earns from the sale of his mouldy biscuits (he has many government contracts thanks to his RSS-BJP contacts) may soon make Mukesh Ambani feel like a loser.

Patanjali Pushpak Vimana is a great idea whose time has come. I can see it already: Vande Mataram will play on the PA system while boarding. The national anthem will be played when the flight lands.

Burly pub bouncers, former Olympic wrestlers/boxers and former United Airlines staff will be hired as cabin crew. Their uniforms will be made out of khadi and/or other fabrics made by textile mill owners who contribute generously to the RSS-BJP.

The in-flight magazine will have Patanjali ads and articles by astrologers, tantrics and RSS people. In-flight shopping will include Patanjali products, of course, and fantastic products made by tantrics guaranteed to decimate political enemies, etc.

The in-flight meal will be pure vegetarian (North Indian fare preferably, since some members of the RSS-BJP believe that South Indians are from Africa and God only knows what they eat). Beverages will include chilled cow urine and room temperature cow urine. Special containers will be handed to politicians who would much rather drink their own urine, like one of our beloved former prime ministers.

The in-flight entertainment menu will include TV serials on Indian mythology and Bollywood movies without any of those infernal Khans who occasionally make unwelcome remarks about the current atmosphere of intolerance in India.

For those who require cat naps on red-eye flights, Mann ki Baat radio clips will be available as well (according to a dipstick survey, they are far more effective than Calmpose).

I think it’s perfect for Modi’s new India and I shall be appealing to Baba Ramdev to set up Patanjali Pushpak Vimana on avaaz.com soon. Do sign and circulate my petition when it’s uploaded. Thank you.

Rupa Gulab is a columnist and author.

Disclaimer: If it's not clear, this is a piece of satire.