Why do smart, suave and charming people turn insufferable, even monstrous, at home ?

Meenakshi (29) married the man of her choosing after a whirlwind courtship that lasted six months. But she now complains that she is trapped in a loveless marriage for the past seven years. During the courtship, she was made to feel special and he was sweet and adorable. But now she lives in fear, unsure what would attract her husband’s ire. “He abuses loud and long and even a mild protest provokes him into violence,” she confided. With all other women in the family and in his office, he is charming and witty, suave and gentlemanly. But at home he turns into a foul-mouthed tyrant and a terror. “How long do I endure this,” she wailed.

Sameera (49) is a mother of two teenaged daughters, both of whom are going through depression. She put up with an indifferent husband for the sake of her daughters. She tried to ensure that the girls grew up secure and received enough affection from her and others. But her husband, again the perfect gentleman outside, was indifferent to the family and abusive. He would blame his wife for destroying his life and bringing misfortune. The daughters would duck away and cower when he raged but blame the mother for putting up with him. Her in-laws are supportive of her and sympathetic but worried over the trauma her daughters have gone through, she is inconsolable. “Where did I go wrong, doctor,” she asked repeatedly.

Rohit, a young doctor, is studying in Poland but refuses to visit home even on vacations. “Anywhere but home”, he says adding that home is like hell for him. His mother’s unstable and erratic behaviour, he complains, drives everyone up the wall. She would be affectionate one moment but in a short while she would switch to tongue lashing and hateful language. She would then cry, wail and curse her fate. His father had withdrawn into a shell and he finds himself alienated from both parents and siblings.

In Sunil’s case, it is his wife whom he had courted in college barely four years ago who has made his life miserable. She would throw tantrums over trivial issues, throw things around in anger, break mobile phones and his laptop and abuse his parents if they tried to intervene. “To whom do I confess that I get slapped by my wife every day?” said Sunil. If he retaliats in self-defence, she storms out of the house, wakes up the neighburhood and threatens to call the police. She would also regularly delete even official chats from his female colleagues and accuse him of having an affair.

Sonali’s marriage was also on the rocks. She was shocked at the change in behaviour of her boyfriend of six years. His tirades against her, her friends and her parents would take the form of angry monologues and continue in a torrent.

Meenakshi and Sameera’s spouses were epitomes of social etiquette outside, doing well in their profession, easily charming people with their social grace but at home behaved monstrously.

They are suffering from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and are emotionally unstable, volatile in temperament, manipulative, hypersensitive and super critical of their significant others. Even when a family member tries to venture an “opinion”, they perceived it as “grave disobedience”. Significantly both the spouses bitterly complained of being neglected by parents in their childhood. Not surprisingly they suffered from a fear of rejection.

Research show that globally most cases of BPD remain undiagnosed and untreated. Stigma attached to seeking psychiatric help deter families from reaching out to psychiatrists and psychologists. And the victims of BPD suffer life long from a sense of abandonment, fear of rejection and disproportionate anger. Needless to say, it is difficult to live with people with personality disorders. It is doubly stressful for family members because outwardly these people are well behaved, smart, humorous, witty and charming. The transformation at home therefore is both dramatic and unnerving.

Those who suffer from BPD almost always believe that others are at fault and need counselling. But as awareness grows about personality disorders and the beneficial effect of counselling to couples, more of them are coming forward to seek help.

(Dr Puri is a clinical psychologist and director of Optimus Centre of Wellbeing, Gurgaon)