Millennials and Mathematics are the new villains and ministers the new entertainers 

As the economy plummets to new lows, we have discovered that many more people we encounter in daily life are disgustingly anti-national.

Millennials are pure evil, for starters. They are solely responsible for the slump in car, truck and tractor sales because they’d much rather hop into an Ola or cab Uber than buy vehicles for themselves and save the economy.

Who can blame Union Finance Minister Nirmala Sitharaman for calling them out and flaring her nostrils as wide as those bell-bottoms hippies wore in the sixties? I mean, considering that these twenty-somethings usually hang out in gangs, shouldn’t they buy cool, hipster “OK Tata Bye Bye Tera Mooh Kala” trucks to party in? And I bet the shameless sods don’t know all the words to Vande Mataram too!

These millennials should be locked up forever with those lakhs of people ear-marked for India’s new concentration/detention camps. The government has proudly announced that the one in Goalpara Assam is as large as seven football fields (hello Guinness World Records, are you listening?), so the residents can while away the rest of their lives playing hide and seek with each other.

There’s another option: The government can give millennials one-way tickets to Pakistan. A few months there, and they will ensure that Pakistan’s economy becomes as pathetic as ours and then we can cheer madly even if we’re frying pakodas on the streets and praying that we don’t have an accident in case our shabby, torn undies are exposed to the public. For us, the only thing that matters is Pakistan, remember?

Which brings me to another lot of anti-nationals: Biggies at Maruti who have scoffed at Ms Sitharaman’s millennial-shaming for the sharp decline in auto sales. They had better stop their morning walks and refuse to attend weddings in Nagpur, or else!

And then there’s Union Minister Piyush Goyal. No baba — he’s a BJP chap, so he’s not anti-national, but he insists that mathematics is. With great gravity, Goyal said, “Do not get into the maths...those maths never helped (Albert) Einstein discover gravity. If he had only gone by structured formula and what was past knowledge, I do not think there would have been any innovation in this world.”

We must be very suspicious of mathematics, and treat it like we would treat Pakistan’s ISI agents. The thing about mathematics is, it makes rosy pictures of a five trillion economy fade, and then the Dear Leader looks bad. When the Dear Leader looks bad, he does something even worse to make us forget his earlier foolishness, like say, turn all Kashmiris into prisoners in their own state.

But back to Piyush Goyal. He’s definitely not Einstein or even Isaac Newton (the chap who Goyal shamefully realised had discovered gravity), but his anti-maths statement won the hearts of many students who hate the subject.

It also got agents of stand up comics extremely interested in him. You can retire now, Kunal Kamra: Piyush Goyal is here to make us laugh like hyenas with his take on science. We look forward to howlers like, “Marie Curie leapt out of the bathtub, shouted ‘Eureka’, and then started a nudist colony. See, you don’t need maths to start a nudist colony.”

Goyal isn’t the only minister with new admirers. Fans of that Hollywood hit, Confessions of a Shopaholic, have suddenly become Nirmala Sitharaman’s fans too.

Now that she’s finally realised that we’re as depressed as the economy, she is determined to cheer us up by offering retail therapy. “Mega shopping festival will be held across the country in four destinations, by March 2020. It is (sic) greater push for people to make contacts and connections,” she declared with a smile as rare as a genuine Ming vase. I’m perfectly willing to go on shopping sprees, but the trouble is, what do I use to buy stuff with? I’m hoping she thinks this through properly for a change and agrees to let us use cowrie shells as currency, just like they did in the good old days of the Mahabharata.

I suppose I will be called anti-national too for writing this article, and shrill cries to send me to Pakistan will surface, but I doubt Pakistan wants me either.

So hey, let’s hit the beaches, collect shells and become trillionaires! And then we can shop till we drop in this weird New India.