Lockdown taking a toll on families and relationships: online counselling offers some relief

Saloni, a 36-year old teacher and a mother of two, has been miserable. Feeling increasingly incompetent, she now thinks she has been a loser in both professional and in personal life. On the verge of an emotional and nervous breakdown, she shouts at the children following the slightest provocation, yells at her husband whenever she feels he is not helping “enough” around the house – which is , she admits, most of the time and whenever she is not able to deliver her best in online classes with her students.

Attacks of migraine have returned, and she increasingly suffers from sleeplessness even after being bone tired. To add to her misery, she has lost her appetite. And she feels like throwing up her hands and cry. “Why has my life spiraled out of control?”, she fumes.

Tejpal, a 45-year old financial head in his company, says he finds his mind sometimes straying or going ‘blank’ in the middle of discussions with colleagues on a spread sheet. He desperately puts on a “fake smile” and asks once again for another cup of coffee. He seems to be consuming coffee hourly these days.

He has lost his appetite and is gradually losing interest in activities which earlier kept him engaged after working hours. He loses concentration frequently and wails in despair, “Am I going senile?”

More and more people are facing such distractions. People who were earlier in full control of their personal and professional lives have started doubting their ability, sanity, confidence and even in their own talent. It is becoming messy. Unhappy and sullen, neither home nor office seem as welcome as before.

Saloni and Tejpal are not alone. Many more successful people have been left adrift by the lockdown and the economic slowdown. Ashie, a 39-year old engineer, felt her life turn upside down after her mother called to confide that she would be moving to an Old Age Home. She told Ashie tearfully that she just could not stay with her boorish father any longer.

The conversation shook her so much that her own personal life has started going to pieces. Her exasperated husband finally served an ultimatum that she needed to meet a psychologist, or he would have to rethink about their own marital relationship.

The effect on children is equally devastating. Ravi, a 19-year old medical student, had withdrawn into a shell and seemed increasingly preoccupied. One of his teachers luckily confronted the teenager and the young man confided that ever since the lockdown, his parents’ relationship had moved from bad to worse. “Both yell at each other and seem to agree on nothing,” he had recalled. He and his elder sister had tried to intervene and remove misunderstanding between them but “nothing seems to be working”. There was so much tension and negativity at home, he exclaimed in despair, that one could cut it with a knife.

All these cases are real life stories, but the names have been changed. These are also cases which have had a happy ending because they decided to seek professional help. Psychologists do not have a magic wand and cannot make problems disappear. But they help through counselling, providing the context and perspective and help devise coping strategies.

Ramesh (51) and Reena too had reached a breaking point. She had started exploring the possibility of moving out with the children and live separately. She was unable to cope with his bouts of anger, irritation, stress, depression and panic attacks with or without any trigger. She finally served an ultimatum. He must see a consultant psychologist, or she would move out.

Online consultations are increasing. And while the jury is out on whether remote counselling is more helpful, there are several people who admit they have benefitted. As a professional psychologist, it is satisfying to see people regain their affection, confidence and trust. It is also heartening to see a growing number of young professionals like Sanjana (29), an architect who fixed up a counselling session for herself and her boyfriend, looking for such help.

At the end of the session, they both looked relieved and happier.

(The author, a Clinical Psychologist, is Director, Optimus Center of Wellbeing in Delhi)