Holi Horrors: Politicians and their colours

Saurabh Bharadwaj (MLA, Greater Kailash):

If Sanghis weren’t bad enough on their own, the AAP has added a new breed: Satsanghis.

Kejriwal made Hanuman the Patron Saint of the AAP, tunelessly sang the Hanuman Chalisa on national television, did photo ops at temples, etc. Bharadwaj has taken it a step further and has royally decreed that the recitation of Sunder Kanda (from the Ramayana) will be held on the first Tuesday of every month in different parts of his constituency. He has also insisted that the Ram Janmabhoomi Trust must build a grand statue of Hanuman in Ayodhya. Jai Bajrangbali!

Arvind Kejriwal (Chief Minister, Delhi)

Kejriwal was hailed as a hero on 11th February when his party won Delhi. About ten days later, he turned into helpless baby—and not a cute, smiley one! Citizens looked on aghast as Kejriwal wrung his hands and said he could not stop the riots, allow ambulances through for victims, etc because the police do not report to him. When JNU and Jamia students protested outside his residence, he called the police who do not report to him and the students were promptly given a tingly water cannon bath (Liril soap was not thoughtfully provided). The Delhi High Court had to order this helpless baby to tour the affected areas! He is now known as the Pied Piper of Delhi. He made liberals fall madly in love with him, led them up the garden path, and then down into the sea.

Nitish Kumar: Chief Minister, Bihar

Nitish Babu is a true flower child. He starts each morning with a visit to the garden, picks a flower at random and plucks each petal while chanting, “I love the BJP, I love them not, I love the BJP, I love them not, I love the BJP, I love them not, etc.” The answer he gets when he plucks the last petal off sets his mood for the day. Whenever this drifter strays from the BJP, Amit Shah hides under his bed and roars in a scary voice, “Nitish, this is your antar atma speaking. Love the BJP, or else!”

Narendra Modi: Prime Minister, India

The economy is crashing around his Ivory Tower, but he doesn’t care—hey, what are RBI reserves for anyway? A majority of Indians don’t love him, but so what—those who do will “goli maaro” traitors, hooray. While India is hitting rock bottom on every parameter, the Dear Leader is floating in Seventh Heaven  (with 3000 security men around him, so even those little green men from Mars know he’s a VIP) because the President of the USA, his beloved Dolan Trump, loves him, so there!  Dear Dolan has said the Dear Leader is his friend—a ringing endorsement from the leader of the world’s oldest democracy to the leader of the world’s largest democracy, neither of which function like democracies anymore!

Donald Trump: President, USA

He came, he saw, he said nothing. Apart from babbling repeatedly in a delirious manner that Modi was his friend. Perhaps he was just weak with hunger because while Modi had organised the crowds Trump wanted, he refused to give him the food he loved:  steaks and burgers. India had been warned in advance that Trump hates veggies, but his bestie served him broccoli samosas instead. Not even soya keema burgers or Mc Aloo Tikki burgers, for shame! I guess if you love someone dearly, you make them eat roughage, right?

Amit Shah: Union Home Minister

The man who calls us termites, bugs us the most. Shah was more interested in making small talk with the Trump Parivaar (practising for his role as future prime minister, perhaps) instead of doing what he’s paid for—rushing to put out the fires in East Delhi. He hasn’t visited the troubled zones even once. NSA Ajit Doval went there instead and that created quite a stir. Images of Shah holding his ears and doing sit ups did cross our minds but we dismissed them as wishful thinking. Perhaps he was just busy being pampered at a beauty parlour (the things one has to do to become a vain man’s successor, sigh). Calls for Shah’s resignation have reached deafening levels, but the man just won’t budge. It’s like he’s super-glued himself to a seat of power.

Rahul Gandhi: MP, INC

Rahul Gandhi is the most powerful man in the country. He doesn’t know it, but the media firmly believes that he’s the Prime Minister of India, the Union Home Minister, the Chief Minister of Delhi, Mother Teresa, Harry Potter, heck, anything they want him to be! He’s the first name they yelp in times of distress, only so that they can blame him for everything Voldemort and his Dementors do. Because blaming Voldemort for his sins is like smoking cigarettes—injurious to their health.

Kapil Mishra: BJP rabble-rouser

Proving yourself is the first thing you must do when you join a new organisation.  For some people it means working extra hard, for others it means doing nauseating things to suck up to your boss. Kapil Mishra was handicapped to begin with: see, he had studied at Delhi School of Social Work, and was a former employee at Amnesty International.  Not a good thing because Amit Shah, the Half Prime Minister, frequently drops pearls of wisdom like “Human Rights is not a part of Indian Culture.”  Mishra had to unlearn everything to get into Shah’s good books—just chanting Hindu-Muslim ad nauseam wasn’t good enough. Inspiration struck when he saw a pet cat laying a mouse at the feet of its master. He repeated the BJP’s  “Goli maaro” chants with far more venom and vigour, and voila—he struck gold as East Delhi burned.

BL Santosh: BJP Organisation Secretary

A chap I’d never heard of before (and hope to never hear of again) threatened Democratic Party front runner Bernie Sanders when Sanders tweeted condemnation of the BJP-sponsored violence in Delhi and Trump’s indifferent “That’s up to India” response. Mr. BL Santosh Who (a somebody in the BJP) almost choked on his daily glass of gau mutra and shot back a tweet, “How much ever neutral we wish to be you compel us to play a role in Presidential elections. Sorry to say so… but you are compelling us.” I’m afraid to say that within a few hours, Mr BL Santosh Who was compelled to delete his tweet. Heh.

Mamata Banerji: CM, West Bengal

At public rallies, Didi yowls that the BJP is her biggest enemy. In private, however, she simpers like a schoolgirl  with Modi and Shah, and gives them thinking-fondly-of-you presents like boxes of mishti.  All she gives Left leaders when she meets them is a box on the ears. So please don’t be fooled—the Left is her real enemy. Which is why while her anti-CAA rallies are huge successes, she throws fits and obstacles when the Left and their occasional allies, the INC, hold anti-CAA protests. Recently, when the “Shah must resign” demands had hit a crescendo, she firmly said that in her not-so-humble opinion, he shouldn’t resign. Believe her at your own risk.

The opinions expressed in this piece are authors own