Do we know what made him cry?     

The Dear Leader is wrong (yet again, sigh). We are not parasites, we are actually mushrooms.

“Kept in the dark and fed s**t”, as the famous saying goes. Behind closed doors, India is now described as an electoral autocracy. We know that our mainstream media is only allowed to talk about what the Dear Leader wants it to, so you have to read between the lines.

Even when it comes to phone calls with world leaders, India’s version of them is somewhat different from what was actually said, as we have noticed. The Dear Leader’s calls with US President Biden and Canadian PM Trudeau are recent examples. The good stuff is exaggerated, the bad is barely mentioned.

Which brings me to the Dear Leader’s recent weep storm in Parliament. Why was the media ordered to gush over his weepy farewell to INC leader Ghulam Nabi Azad, and to frequently replay footage of the Dear Leader choking with emotion as glycerine made oily tears tracked down his cheeks? Hello, why did he cry at all? Here are a few options:

1. He was upset because Joe Biden hadn’t spoken to him yet—that phone call he’s now gloating over happened only after the tears. Till then, we can safely assume that when he wasn’t sitting by the phone like a heart-broken teenager, he plucked petals off flowers and chanted, “Joe loves me, he loves me not.” I’m certain that many flowers were killed in the process.

2. He was furious that people were feeling sorry for farmers and wanted them to feel sorry for him instead. The cameras must be on HIM, not those peasants, for god’s sake!

3. He’s secretly hoping that Rihanna would post a tweet with his weepy footage attached and ask the world, “Why aren’t we talking about this?”

4. He discovered that Rihanna’s tweet on the cruel way he treated protestors got television hosts in the US talking about it on their shows too. Trevor Noah, for one.

5. Twitter’s Jack Dorsey is a leftie libtard because he “liked” Rihanna’s tweet and refused to bow down to him. Jack also doesn’t seem to care a jot about Koo/Poo/Goo/Loo/Moo/Boo/Shoo/Whatever either—the Indian version of Twitter (with a Chinese connection, heh) that is being heavily promoted by the government.

Incidentally, there are allegations that Koo/Poo/Goo/Loo/Moo/Boo/Shoo/Whatever leaks data the way the Dear Leader’s eyes leaked in Parliament. Not that I care because I’m never going to touch anything promoted by this sneaky government—I’m with the farmers on this.

6. TMC leader Mahua Moitra’s allegations about his party’s quid pro quo deals with a former Chief Justice of India hurt his fragile Hindutva sentiments. So, what if they did it—no one must dare to talk about it, understood? This is an internal matter between his party and the former CJI, see?

7. He believes that a good cry in public helps to distract the nation from his atrocious, beastly and morally unacceptable governance.

8. Perhaps his beloved crony capitalists are jeering at him for not crushing the protests and not being the ‘strong leader’ they thought he was. No more Superman capes and lycra tights will be bought as presents for him on their trips abroad.

9. Now, this is the reason I’m betting on: To let Joe Biden know that he’s not such a bigot really. Why, some of his best friends (like Azad) are Kashmiris and Muslims—two-in-one, yay!

Will the Dear Leader cry again, now that Arsenal Consulting (a United States digital forensics firm) has revealed that evidence was planted on the laptops of the Bhima-Koregaon accused via malware? Some international celeb may well tweet about this too!

Finally, an appeal to psychiatrists who read this: Is there a term for the Dear Leader’s unhealthy obsession with powerful world leaders? Think of a scary-looking hound uncharacteristically wagging its tail madly, leaping up and licking strangers, desperately wanting to go home with them, and oh so thrilled when it’s given a biscuit that a pompous monologue on friendship is immediately aired on national television. However, the very same hound bares its teeth, snarls at its own family members and calls them parasites. The correct term for this disorder, please?

(Any resemblance with real people or events is a coincidence)