A leaked letter to ‘dear friend Doland’: so sorry that prayers did not work

Dear Doland,

These are tough times. I must confess I do not yet know how it feels to lose an election. But I can imagine it must be very lonely in the White House. I am also angry that your Presidency has been stolen. You will however be happy to know that Indian films have songs to describe what you must be feeling. It is ‘Dost Dost Na Raha, Pyar Pyar Na Raha’. I will call you soon and sing it to you.

As you know I am not a fair-weather friend. My friendship is as genuine as Baba Ramdev’s honey. I hope you still have stocks of the honey I gifted when you came last. Like genuine friends, do not take my criticism to heart. It does not make me a lesser friend. And even if you are angry with me, I know our friendship will last because we think alike.

Believe me when I say I did not have proper sleep ever since you lost the election. I was astonished and anguished to find your Supreme Court throwing out your challenges to the election. Didn’t you appoint some of those jokers as judges? Frankly, Doland, you have only yourself to blame if you made the wrong appointments. If you remember, I did tell you to be extra careful while appointing the jokers. I guess you do not have dossiers on them.

Really Doland, how can you blame anyone else for frittering away the Presidency? Three hundred million Americans appointed you the Chowkidar in 2016 and yet you allowed thieves to steal your office. A Chowkidar who cannot protect his own office is no Chowkidar, my friend. As Chowkidar you had all the power, all the agencies working for you and the ubiquitous lathi as we call it in our part of the world. A failed Chowkidar is of no use to the world, you see. I really feel sorry, my friend.

I am also astonished that only four Americans (they were all Americans, I hope and none from my country?) laid down their lives at the Capitol. Here they love me so much, you know, they do not mind dying of hunger or in queues for cash or while walking thousands of kilometres to reach home.

I have a strong suspicion that Harvard types have let you down. I sensed the mischief they can play and bluntly told them to f…off. I believed in hard work, not Harvard, I said. In retrospect, you should have shut down Harvard when you became President. Or if you couldn’t, you could have introduced a course in Astrology.

I am also shocked that your guys allowed your supporters to invade the Capitol without proper training, homework and equipment. Even your police looked amateurish, taking selfies with your supporters while still in uniform. Here policemen are trained to take off their badges, drop their uniform and then mingle with protestors.

I was a little upset, I confess, when you did not concede my advice to break into Xi’s birthday party and to prolong your inaction on the pandemic. I told you to let the pandemic be. It was killing more poor Democrats in any case and you should have just allowed the virus to do its job far longer.

I hope you know how hard we prayed for you here; and how hard our people worked in the US to get you elected. You think you got all those record number of votes without help from our people? Did you see the Indian flags fluttering at the Capitol when it was stormed? That is how hard we worked for you. If you recall, I had told you that we would ensure you polled more votes than in 2016. You did. I wish we had the same free hand to deal with your rivals.

What could we do when even Republicans turned against you? I was appalled to see that the Republican Secretary of State in Georgia had the gumption to deny your request to manufacture votes. Here, Doland, I do not have to even make a call. The poor suckers know what will happen if I do not win. You should have driven the fear of god into them long back. Imagine Republicans refusing the request of a Republican President?

You again failed to heed my advice and imprison a few of those pesky journalists. Carrot and stick are the right policy for the media. Make some of them members of the Senate and ask others to wait for their turn. Your corporate friends, do not mind my saying, have been pathetic. If they could not intimidate, take over or muzzle the media, why did you help them with so many tax breaks?

I wish we had spent more time together. I could have shared many of the tricks we have mastered here. You will agree that even on social media we are miles ahead of your guys when it comes to spreading misinformation.

It is truly sad that you will have to give up the White House. But not for long, I hope.

But in or out of the White House, we will remain buddies.

Your Real Friend

(This is a work of fiction and any resemblance to any living creature is purely accidental. The letter should not be read between the lines)