Rupa Gulab: Will Jyotiraditya Scindia, inspired by his ‘sainted’ aunts, now join the union cabinet ?  

I have to admit it — I had tears in my eyes when Maharaja Jyotiraditya Scindia said goodbye to the INC and joined the BJP as a chowkidar.

I totally got why he did it. See, I have an aunt who bombards me with BJP propaganda on WhatsApp every hour on hour — she works harder than the Dear Leader. Just one batty aunt is not all that difficult to withstand, no matter how determined she maybe. However, that poor Scindia chap has so many domineering BJP-loyal aunts! All those vile WhatsApp forwards must have driven him stark raving crackers, which is why he caved in.

If you’ve ever read PG Wodehouse, the legend “Aunts aren’t Gentlemen” must be imprinted on your brain. In bold.

From what I’ve seen and read, Scindia’s Aunty Vasundhara is far more formidable than Bertie Wooster’s aunts (Dahlia and Agatha) put together. When she played lady of the manor in Rajasthan, a fair number of India’s minorities were lynched by Hindutva mobs, but Aunty Vasundhara did not turn pale and whimper. Nope, she remained as jolly and robust as ever and rarely took action — it’s like the lynchings never happened.

But enough of Scindia’s royal relatives. A few days after joining the BJP, he acquired a brand new, aunt: not the sort of horsey aunt who spends most of her free time in the stables nuzzling and feeding lumps of sugar to her pet Dobbin. Not even the type who fondly reminisces about the days when daddy gave sacks of diamonds and emeralds to Queen Victoria in exchange for principalities. Oh no, he got someone who spends her time in a cowshed petting the entire herd to heal her blood pressure, tennis elbow, housemaid’s knee, diabetes, dish-pan hands, stiletto bunions, malignant tumours, etc.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the one and only Aunty Pragya! Now this aunt is a right royal riot, and I wonder if Scindia joined the BJP just to get close to her while she’s out on bail. Come on, how many of us have exciting aunts who are alleged terrorists and probably know more about explosive devices than creepy sites on the internet?

Scindia lost no time in getting photographed dancing with the dear lady. Not a waltz to the Blue Danube naturally (vulgar Western nonsense, chhee!), but an energetic jig that involves waving arms in the air and cheering lustily, sort of like we’ve seen Hindutva mobs instinctively do when they spot mosques. Social media has been buzzing with these photographs and if you haven’t seen them yet, you’re living under a rock. I wouldn’t be surprised if Scindia has kept one of those pictures in his wallet as well.

I had hoped to see Scindia in Delhi on 14th March at the grand ‘Gaumutra Party’ hosted by the Hindu Mahasabha to fight the coronavirus. He would have looked quite dashing knocking back a shot or two, but he didn’t show up. Odd. I’d have given almost anything in the world to meet a chap called BumBum Thakur (one of the charming hosts who featured rather prominently on those gaumutra party posters). Oh well, I guess Scindia has more important things on his mind now, instead of bumming around with BumBum. Like how to pinch the finance portfolio from butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-her-mouth Aunty Nimmi.

Besides, it has been a rather overwhelming induction period for him. Exhausting too, because he must have binged out on B-grade Bollywood movies several nights in a row to spout OTT nonsense like, “I will shed my blood for the BJP.” Add to this all the days he spent anxiously waiting for his treacherous move to topple the INC government in Madhya Pradesh. It must have been a traumatic experience with Amit Shah calling him up every five seconds and warmly assuring him that he wasn’t holding a gun to his head. But hell, who cares anymore?

Scindia’s made his bed and he must lie on it.

On a happier note, National Conference party leader Farooq Abdullah who was detained in his house for 7 long months has finally reached an understanding with cuddly Amit Shah and has been released.

Now I’m waiting for our servile media to tell us that Abdullah had not been detained after all—he had merely self-isolated himself because of the coronavirus.