Rupa Gulab: stupidity in the time of karuna: go karuna, go!

Social distancing is a breeze.

I took to it like a duck to water in 2014 when I realised that some of my neighbours, colleagues and relatives were spreading the deadly communal virus. I stayed hundreds of meters away from their spittle range and lived to tell the tale, hooray!

So yeah, I don’t need counselling to deal with the isolation that this new virus demands. I must give the devil his due and thank the RSS-BJP government and its supporters for lifting my spirits wherever I feel sad at the deaths of thousands of people across the world.

A special thank you goes to Union Minister Ramdas Athawale. This brave man decided to tame the Corona Virus and turn it into his pet. You can tell that he took it very seriously indeed. I mean, he could have called his new pet the usual Moti, Timmy, Rover or Kaiser, but he thought out of the box and lovingly called it Karuna instead.

Then he organised an event in Mumbai with Buddhist monks and the Chinese Consul General to show off his new pet. I thought he would throw a rubber ball and proudly shout “Fetch, Karuna! Fetch!”, but instead he urged all those present to holler, “Go, Karuna! Go Karuna!” like the virus was participating in a sporting event.

For your information, Karuna did not whimper at being addressed in this unseemly manner. In fact, she ignored the frenzied chants and probably scratched her ear instead. Athavale should have trained her better, no? That’s the video I watch whenever I feel blue.

Oddly enough, the Dear Leader did not hear the loud cries of “Go Karuna! Go Karuna!” He was busy with a far more crucial matter: toppling the Congress government in Madhya Pradesh. The health of his party is more important that the health of the nation, after all. We were so relieved when he finally decided to speak. He had decided that the only mature and statesman-like way to deal with the virus was to look at all the steps the world was taking and pick one (and only one) that best suited his loud personality. He ordered a mere14 hour lock down (shame on his advisors for not telling him that the virus hangs around in its hosts for a minimum of 14 days—those inept people made the Dear Leader look terribly ill-informed) and urged people to clap and bang steel vessels (‘empty vessels make the most sound’ is the proverb that springs to mind) at 5 pm to show gratitude to health workers.

His fans just love this sort of thing. You can tell that they have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) because they’re always jumping around and screaming. They started hurling threats at all doctors online who dared to say that instead of this thaali banging nonsense, they’d prefer masks, hazmat suits and ventilators instead. Some of his supporters stubbornly insisted that this unholy racket would scare the virus away (erm, suppose the virus is deaf?), while others behaved like hippies addicted to illegal substances and wittered about vibrations.

Meanwhile, the Crony Virus also appears to be alive and kicking in India during these terrible times. According to a news report, the desperate Maharashtra government had asked the Modi Government to allow them to use COVID-19 testing kits from other companies as well, but were firmly told that the kits can only come from an Ahmedabad based firm. Heh.

But enough. I’m beginning to feel sorry for the PM. He cannot fly across the world anymore, the poor thing! I was so relieved when he organised a SAARC meeting (a video conference affair) to discuss the Covid-19 outbreak. It may have seemed completely pointless to you and me, Dear Reader, but it was a master stroke: the genius had created an opportunity to show off one of the new outfits he had purchased for his cancelled Brussels trip.

His heart must be so heavy at the thought of being trapped in India with brown people like himself for a year at least.

Add to this the fear that world leaders who are shunning hand shakes will not take kindly to being hugged anymore. He will just have to learn to keep his hands to himself and offer a polite namaste.