Reality Bites: The masks are off in the ongoing Indian soap opera  

I rarely have anything nice to say about the current government, but I’m a fair person and it’s only right to give the Devil, or in this case, Union Minister Nirmala Sitharaman, her due.

Since television serials could not be produced during the lockdown, she gamely stepped into the breach and announced a stimulus package over many wondrous episodes.

I was disappointed to note that not too many people grabbed popcorn and the comfiest armchair in the TV room after the first episode. Granted we’ve heard everything she had to say before but hey, if you can watch re-runs of mythological serials, why not re-runs of Sitharaman’s financial offerings?

My favourite episode was the one on geography, where she informed us which parts of India produce turmeric, chillies, pumpkins etc. in a scholarly nursery teacher manner. The only time I felt queasy was when she mentioned turmeric lattes—that brought back an unpleasant memory of throwing up on a bossy aunt who, despite my protestations, shoved a mug of that vile concoction down my throat when I was a child.

If you had bothered to watch a few of the episodes, you would have seen Sitharaman in a new light—she has emerged as India’s latest fashion icon with masks that match her attire. I really am impressed and I appeal to her to give me her seamstress aunty’s contact details asap so I can place my order, or else I will have to fall back on Fab India and look as ordinary as everyone else.

I predict Sitharaman will play a huge advisory role with NASA in the near future, creating stylish and colour-coordinated oxygen masks for all that interplanetary travel that she dreams of. The Little Green Men of Mars are bound to turn a darker shade of green when she lands!

I have noticed that another person is as impressed with Sitharaman as I am: Scindia, the prince who kissed a Shah and turned into a frog. Scindia has made it abundantly clear that he’s yearning to work as this stylish lady’s Hindi translator.

Her current translator, a chap called Thakur, may not take kindly to Scindia’s aspirations though, so there’s thrilling subterfuge to look forward to. Thakur has also been known to incite his supporters with bloodcurdling yells of “Goli maaro,” and they have dutifully obeyed his orders. Scindia had better watch his back unless frogs (like common house flies) have compound eyes.

And now on to a grim subject: Little widdle Nepal has started taunting big brother India! Apart from feeble statements every now and then, our Supreme Leader has not launched a surgical strike on that tiny nation yet, gasp!

Perhaps he’s waiting for the monsoon to set in properly so he can do it with adequate cloud cover? I just cannot wait to wake up one morning and hear our news anchors scream with excitement as crows are killed and trees are uprooted. That will teach little widdle Nepal a lesson for sure, just like it taught Pakistan.

China is being extra provocative too, but we’re well aware that a surgical strike is not an option: we’re the ones who will be taught a lesson, not China! Fret not, the Supreme Leader has a grand plan on how to deal with that nation. He had warned us well in advance that we must show China “Lal Aankh” (whatever that means). I have thought about it deeply and it could mean one of the following things:

1. He wants us to get completely smashed on Som Ras every night and post scary hungover selfies the next morning on social media to frighten the Chinese into beating a hasty retreat.

2. He plans to start a biological war and spread conjunctivitis in China

3. Operation ‘Out-Schezwan China’ will be kicked off. Our self-reliant defence forces will pound the fiercest Indian red chillies into dust (Ms Sitharaman will tell them in which states they can be found) and fling them into the eyes of the Chinese invaders.

So hey, don’t worry about Nepal and China—the Supreme Leader is on top of it. What you should worry about, though, is what the Supreme Leader is doing to India!

He’s destroying our democracy, liberty, equality, social harmony, economy and happiness far more effectively than any foreign nation can.

( This is a satirical column. Any resemblance to people in real life is a coincidence)