Reality Bites: Swadeshi Deen Dayal Upadhyay tutak-tutak Tooter App

The Dear Leader is a copycat. Apart from the slavish media and his blind supporters, no one else who grew up in the Indira Gandhi era can forget her famous slogan: “Be Indian, buy Indian”. My mother always threw that at me with a smirk when I wanted a pair of jeans from abroad, not tacky Indian ones.

The Dear Leader has appropriated Indira Gandhi’s slogan, using different words that he thinks are young and cool, but just sound like pidgin English to me: “Be vocal for local.” May as well say “Birdie num num” and be done with it, like Hrundi V Bakshi in the hilarious film “The Party.”

This “birdie num num vocal local” slogan has inspired Indian techies not to be original but to copy international apps. The latest effort is a rip off of Twitter and Mastodon. This swadeshi version is called Tooter (the full name probably is Pandit DeenDayal Upadhyaya TutakTutakTutak Tooter App). Everything is copied including Twitter’s white and blue interface. The icon is similar too, but is a conch shell instead of a bird, which is very sad.

How mean of the creators to have ignored the Dear Leader’s deep affection for parrots and peacocks! The app really should have been called “Tota” instead of Tooter and the icon should have been a parrot since all the union ministers get instructions from the BJP IT Cell to post the exact same things.

I’m definitely not signing up for Tooter. There is no way in hell that I will voluntarily give personal data to an app promoted by the BJP. I’m so tired of all the devious ways they try to spy on us, even turning on the cameras and audios of our smart phones using Israeli spyware Pegasus.

Anyway, Tooter probably won’t last. From what we’ve seen, almost everything the Dear Leader touches breaks (the economy, democracy, institutions, social harmony, justice, etc), so mark my words, Tooter will soon end up as Toota.

Now, I really am torn. While I strongly disapprove of stealing ideas, it’s very clear that all the original ones the Dear Leader comes up with have been a disaster for the nation. Like demonetisation, for example—the economy is still reeling from its after-effects. His latest ideas fill most of us with dread too. Take the one allowing ayurvedic doctors to perform surgeries. While I have nothing personal against ancient herbal remedies (if you like them, use them), I prefer real doctors to cut me open rather than timid herbalists. This changes everything, including TV serial Operation Theatre chatter. Instead of terse demands for scalpels, nurses will be exhorted to pass the mortar and pestle. IV drips will contain lauki juice and, oh god—just get a medical insurance policy in neighbouring Bangladesh asap!

Then there’s this dangerous proposal to allow corporate houses to set up banks, so they can help themselves to the savings of people like you and me without having to ask. Biggies like former RBI Governor Raghuram Rajan have strongly opposed this proposal (you can googlesearch those articles), but the best person to read on the subject is @ sonaliranade on Twitter.

She’s kicked off a satirical and scathing series called #CutTheCrap on government policies, while parodying the voices of sycophantic Editor Uncles. Here’s the opening sentence of her piece on the subject: “Wine and cheese liberals, and liberalism purists, will be hard put to understand why handing over banks to corporate tycoons is Modi’s master-stroke, that cuts through the gordian knot at the heart of Capitalism.” The last sentence is “BMKJ.” Quickly go to Twitter and read the entire piece!

Let’s not forget that bogey called “Love Jihad” (which actually is a code for “Hate Dharmyudh”) that the Dear Leader tacitly supports. BJP chief ministers have announced that they will ban interfaith marriages in their states—eerily similar to the Nazi Nuremberg laws banning marriages and sexual relations between Jews and persons of “German or related blood.” Is it because BJP wants to polarise society even further (haven’t they done enough?), or are they desperately seeking wives for unattractive INCELS (involuntary celibates) who are a huge part of their saffron tribe?

Moral of the story: whether original or a copycat move, everything our Dear Leader does leads to disasters. Shudder.

(Any resemblance with real people or events is a coincidence)