Reality Bites: King Kong At Home

There is only one thing the Union Home Minister and I have in common: both of us firmly believe that his party’s supporters are just as bright as zero-watt bulbs.

He tests their IQ levels every now and then by making the most dishonest and outrageous statements ever, and they demonstrate again and again that they blindly believe him.

Take this whopper, for example: “India's defence policy has gained global acceptance. The whole world agrees that after USA & Israel if there is any other country that is able to protect its borders, it is India.” Chinese troops are currently occupying about 40-60 sq kms of our territory—they must be slapping their thighs and laughing their heads off.

It’s music to their ears to hear the Modi government and its pet media houses not just in denial about any loss of territory, but actually saying, with straight faces, that this is only a perceived loss of Indian territory because of different perceptions of the Line of Actual Control (LAC), or some such nonsense. Eleven Jin Ping must be in an excellent mood.

Take another of Shah’s recent howlers: he humbly conceded that his party made “some mistakes” while dealing with the COVID pandemic and the BJP-made migrant crisis, and added, “but what did (sic) opposition do?”

I do hope opposition parties answer this question: several parties (the Congress and some Left parties in particular) can display pages of notes, and I do hope they will co-author a book titled ‘But What Did The Opposition Do?’

A piece of advice: it should be a picture book so the Supreme Leader can read it. Why take chances, since his degree is dubious? If the publisher can’t afford to hire an illustrator, well then, the Home Minister can read it aloud to the Supreme Leader when he tucks him into bed at night.

The internet has been flooded with “But what did (sic) opposition do” jokes and memes, and the Home Minister now looks as foolish as his party’s supporters.

Yes, yes, I know his media pets think he’s very clever because he purchases MLAs for crores (but won’t spare loose change for migrants) and topples elected governments because many states do not vote for his party.

There’s an anchor at India Today TV who calls him King Kong in awestruck tones, and that puzzles me terribly. From what I recall of the movie, King Kong was a gorilla and a monster but he wasn’t into bribery/blackmail, so that leaves me with a gorilla and a monster.

Look, I didn’t say it, that anchor did!

Life was fairly good for a few months when the Home Minister locked himself at home ostensibly because he was on a diet. He’s out and about now looking exactly the same as before (too many cheat days I bet!), and the Supreme Leader is in hiding. I guess they take it in turns to spend quality time with their dieticians, tailors and the beauty parlour.

I do hope the Supreme Leader uses his “Me Time” to do advanced chest expanding exercises daily so he can truly become a strong leader. See, it’s not just China he’s scared of: he’s also frightened of young women, particularly those who were prominent voices in the anti-CAA protests. They’ve been flung into jails because his fragile male ego absolutely cannot tolerate independent female voices.

The truth is, he’s scared of almost everything which is why he insists that India’s Special Protection Group protects him and him alone. He generously allocated Rs. 592.5 Cr for his protection in the 2020 Union Budget, and according to a news report, “this allocation is10 per cent more compared to the previous year, when there were four SPG protectees including the three Gandhis.”

This costs us 1.62 Cr a day, by the way! That’s a shameful waste of my taxes, so I’m desperately thinking of cheaper ways to keep the Supreme Leader safe. Also, since he keeps banging on about how we must be ‘atmanirbhar’, shouldn’t he learn to be self-reliant too?

What I propose is this: Congress leader Rahul Gandhi is a black Belt in Aikido (a form of Japanese martial art). He’s also a national shooting champion.

Why can’t the Supreme Leader swallow his false pride and learn from him?